The Notorious G.A.Y.

So last Friday my best friend Danny and I see Slumdog Millionaire (loved it) and decide to grab a bite at the delicious pizza place located in the same plaza as the theatre. There was only one table available and it was right by the door where crowds form, so we opt to sit at the bar. Just so happens that the waitress serving those of us at the bar is extremely attractive. Some might even say she's hot. Would I say this? Yes. Yes I would. As a surprise to me, her and I exchange unusually large smiles with one another upon initial eye contact. I don't think too much into it, but as the night continues, the occurrence of eye contact between us increases, and each instance is shared with what appear to be flirtatious smiles. Now I'm starting to get a little caught off guard because women never do this kind of thing to me. Then we start engaging one another in conversation. Every time she comes back to us, we exchange more than the typical, "How is everything? – It's great, thank you" conversation. We talk about movies we've seen, what schools we went to, where we're from, etc. etc. Nothing too out there, but these conversations coupled with the smiles that seem to show some sort of interest on her part are enough to make me think this girl might actually be flirting with me. So whereas I normally continue to be the nice, quiet guy as opposed to an aggressor in these situations, I choose to act different this time. I knew if I didn't try to get something going with this girl that I would leave the restaurant disappointed because I didn't do more. So near the end of the meal we're talking about movies and I ask her what movie she wants to see next. She says Notorious. I was quite literally just telling Danny that I'd like to see that movie, so I tell her this. Now, I'm not an expert on reading openings, but I was pretty sure she was giving me one when she said, "Yeah, I really want to see that…." in a tone that seemed to very much be expectant of a reply. So I decide to take it as an opening and I ask her if she wants to see it with me. (As a side note, Danny is in the restroom during this particular conversation, so he didn't witness the game that is me to its full extent.) She sounds interested, but says she's not able to go that night because she works. I ask if I should give her a call so we can find a time and she asks me to leave my number instead. So that may have been a sign right there of a lack of interest.

Long story short, it's been about a week now and she hasn't called, and I no longer expect her to call. This obviously leads me to believe that there was no real interest on her part to begin with. So now a few thoughts are running through my head. Was this girl just extremely nice and enjoyed striking up conversation with customers of a similar age? Perhaps she was just after a good tip. (She was gonna get more than just the tip from me! (Ok, I never make innuendos like that, but how could I pass that one up?!)) Maybe these were the case, but after reliving the dinner in my head, I've come to the only logical conclusion: She definitely thought I was gay. Now I'm not trying to flatter myself by coming to this conclusion thinking that it couldn't possibly be because she didn't think I was attractive or fun. Believe you me, I know how goofy and unappealing I look to women, and I do believe this contributed to her decision not to call me. But I'm realizing in hindsight that she was VERY comfortable with the two of us from the moment we walked in. Why? Because she thought we were a gay couple, and as two gay men, she had no reason to feel threatened or concerned that one of us would hit on her. In case you don't know, Danny is openly gay, and while he's not the most flamboyant homosexual on the planet, I think most people can determine his sexuality after only spending a brief amount of time with him. (Though I'll be the first to admit that I often act more gay (gayer? homosexualer?) than Danny. I just don't have sex with men.) So the fact that I was there with a gay man might have led her to believe that I too was gay and we were there as a couple, on a date. (For the record, it WAS a man-date, but not a gay date. Gay date's with Danny are for Saturday night's only, this was a Friday). Also, as I look back to the exact moment when I told her that I'd be down to go see Notorious with her if she was interested I realize that her response was, "Really??" followed by a slight hesitation before she said, "Ok…but not tonight, I have to work." Now this "Really?" while at the time I thought was out of surprise and joy that I took the opening and asked her out, I now realize was her complete shock that either a.) she was being asked out by a gay man or b.) I was in fact, not gay after all, as she had originally thought. It also probably didn't help that I told her I cried at the end of Slumdog Millionare. I didn't even cry though, so I don't know why I told her this. But regardless, I guarantee she thought I was gay and I am beyond hopeful that she will still call me out of pure curiosity. And if she does, you better believe I'm gonna ask her if she thought I was gay. And oh how I hope she says yes. And if she doesn't call, looks like it's another night in Danny's bed for me.

The Knees is Moist

I spent a good portion of one Saturday at work speaking with a woman who I learned quite a bit about, mainly because she felt the need to tell me quite a bit about herself during the numerous times she called me throughout my shift. Here’s what I learned about her: She’s a 35 year-old who just retired from being some sort of an analyst for Nestle. She’s apparently into the stock market because she gave me A LOT of advice on what stocks to buy if I want to be rich. She’s in the process of divorcing her husband of ten years because “there’s no communication and no sex”. (On a side note, when I told her I was 24 she told me I’m just past my sexual peak (which I thanked her for pointing out) and she noted she was at her peak. So the no sex in her marriage was a big deal.) She lives alone with her wiener dog and she really loves U2, as the main reason she called in the first place was to try to win the trip to London to see U2 that we were giving away that day. Now for the things she didn’t tell me but I figured out pretty fast. Well, really there’s only one thing and umm…..how to put this delicately?? She crazy. You can tell right from the beginning of the conversation the crazies from the non’s and while I don’t mean to be insensitive to those with mental problems, this woman probably had every one in the book.

I learned most of these things about her during our first conversation and as the conversation went on I realized I didn’t know her name. Here’s the answer I got when I asked her name:

Caller: Ok, here’s what I tell the guys at the bars when I tell them my name. I look at them and I point to my eyes and I say “It’s not the eyes..” and then I point to my lips and say, “it’s not the lips…” and then I’m usually wearing a low cut blouse…

Me: Of course, of course…

Caller: ..and I grab my tits and say, “it’s not the tits…” and then I point to my knees and say, “It’s the knees!”

Me: (silence)

Caller: So do you know my name?

Me: Umm..hmm…the knees….is it Denise?

Caller: Yeah!!! But you can call me The Knees.

So I called her The Knees from then on out. She kept calling asking for U2 tickets. She also kept asking to speak to my supervisor so she could tell them to give me a promotion. She even made up a title for my new position: Promotions Research Manager. No idea what that job would entail, but I was flattered nonetheless. So appropriately enough, my last call of the day was from The Knees. We had had some pretty average conversation throughout the day, but this one just took it to a whole new level. Here it is:

The Knees: I need U2 tickets!

Me: Well you gotta be caller 20 when we tell you to call then!

Me: Ok, ok, I know you can't just give them to me, but can I talk to your supervisor and see if they can give them to me?

Me: No, it's Saturday, there's only like two of us in the building. None of my bosses are here.

The Knees: Oh so that means you're in charge! So c'mon, do me a favor and give me the tickets and I can do you a favor or two if you know what I'm saying.

Me: Oh my! I do believe I know what you’re saying.

The Knees: Where do you live?

Me: I live near Long Beach.

The Knees: Ok, that's not too far for me to drive. So here's what we'll do: we'll choose a place to meet each other, and then we'll make sure you have your paper work and we'll get down to it.

Me: Wait, what paperwork? What do you mean?

The Knees: You know, we'll go down to Planned Parenthood and you'll get tested and I'll get tested. And then you know, if you're not cute or if you think I'm not cute then we don't have to do anything, we can just be friends.

Me: I like your thinking, that’s very smart of you….getting tested and all. You’re very open-minded and you seem to think things through.

The Knees: Yeah, a lot of friends tell me that I’m open-mouthed. (Yes, open mouthed. Not open-minded like I had just said.) And some people don’t like me because of it. But you get me. You're a good getter.

Me: Wow, I don’t think anyone’s ever called me a “good-getter” before, that’s quite the compliment, thank you.

Then she gets into a rant about some 80-20 rule where 80% of people get her and 20% don't. Then she opts to segue right into a new subject.

The Knees: Hey what do you want to eat right now?

Me: Oh I'm not hungry, I just had TWO peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

The Knees: (she takes a bite of something)

Me: Sounds like you got yourself a little something there….

The Knees: Oh, well I just made myself an English muffin with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the butter is moist. So it’s moist here by my mouth and it’s also moist down there.

Me: Oh wow. Well that sounds very inviting, must be fun for you.

The Knees: Yeah. Well ok, try to do some pull for me down there at the station and then we can pull on each other later.

Me: Well put, very well put.

The Knees: Ok, talk to you later.

Me: By The Knees.

This is kind of what I imagine The Knees looks like. Should I take her up on her offer?

Buckle up Yogi!

I'm driving home from work after a long Saturday. I'm tired and I'm already pissed that I have to waste every Saturday at work. I'm just ready to get home and I'm stopped at the light around the corner from my house. I look to my left and this is what I see. The picture is not the best quality since it was taken on my camera phone, but in case you can't tell, it's a giant stuffed bear sitting in the passenger seat all buckled in. I instantly started laughing, this bear has just made my day. The driver was a late 20-something year old woman (I wasn't able to discover this until I drove away because the bear's giant head was blocking my view of her). But I wonder if she buckles him in to use the carpool lane. I mean, staring at the thing, you can obviously tell it's a giant stuffed bear as opposed to a human being. But at a glance...ehh, it might pass for a human. I wonder if she could legally use the carpool lane if it was a real life bear?