The Knees is Moist

I spent a good portion of one Saturday at work speaking with a woman who I learned quite a bit about, mainly because she felt the need to tell me quite a bit about herself during the numerous times she called me throughout my shift. Here’s what I learned about her: She’s a 35 year-old who just retired from being some sort of an analyst for Nestle. She’s apparently into the stock market because she gave me A LOT of advice on what stocks to buy if I want to be rich. She’s in the process of divorcing her husband of ten years because “there’s no communication and no sex”. (On a side note, when I told her I was 24 she told me I’m just past my sexual peak (which I thanked her for pointing out) and she noted she was at her peak. So the no sex in her marriage was a big deal.) She lives alone with her wiener dog and she really loves U2, as the main reason she called in the first place was to try to win the trip to London to see U2 that we were giving away that day. Now for the things she didn’t tell me but I figured out pretty fast. Well, really there’s only one thing and umm…..how to put this delicately?? She crazy. You can tell right from the beginning of the conversation the crazies from the non’s and while I don’t mean to be insensitive to those with mental problems, this woman probably had every one in the book.

I learned most of these things about her during our first conversation and as the conversation went on I realized I didn’t know her name. Here’s the answer I got when I asked her name:

Caller: Ok, here’s what I tell the guys at the bars when I tell them my name. I look at them and I point to my eyes and I say “It’s not the eyes..” and then I point to my lips and say, “it’s not the lips…” and then I’m usually wearing a low cut blouse…

Me: Of course, of course…

Caller: ..and I grab my tits and say, “it’s not the tits…” and then I point to my knees and say, “It’s the knees!”

Me: (silence)

Caller: So do you know my name?

Me: Umm..hmm…the knees….is it Denise?

Caller: Yeah!!! But you can call me The Knees.

So I called her The Knees from then on out. She kept calling asking for U2 tickets. She also kept asking to speak to my supervisor so she could tell them to give me a promotion. She even made up a title for my new position: Promotions Research Manager. No idea what that job would entail, but I was flattered nonetheless. So appropriately enough, my last call of the day was from The Knees. We had had some pretty average conversation throughout the day, but this one just took it to a whole new level. Here it is:

The Knees: I need U2 tickets!

Me: Well you gotta be caller 20 when we tell you to call then!

Me: Ok, ok, I know you can't just give them to me, but can I talk to your supervisor and see if they can give them to me?

Me: No, it's Saturday, there's only like two of us in the building. None of my bosses are here.

The Knees: Oh so that means you're in charge! So c'mon, do me a favor and give me the tickets and I can do you a favor or two if you know what I'm saying.

Me: Oh my! I do believe I know what you’re saying.

The Knees: Where do you live?

Me: I live near Long Beach.

The Knees: Ok, that's not too far for me to drive. So here's what we'll do: we'll choose a place to meet each other, and then we'll make sure you have your paper work and we'll get down to it.

Me: Wait, what paperwork? What do you mean?

The Knees: You know, we'll go down to Planned Parenthood and you'll get tested and I'll get tested. And then you know, if you're not cute or if you think I'm not cute then we don't have to do anything, we can just be friends.

Me: I like your thinking, that’s very smart of you….getting tested and all. You’re very open-minded and you seem to think things through.

The Knees: Yeah, a lot of friends tell me that I’m open-mouthed. (Yes, open mouthed. Not open-minded like I had just said.) And some people don’t like me because of it. But you get me. You're a good getter.

Me: Wow, I don’t think anyone’s ever called me a “good-getter” before, that’s quite the compliment, thank you.

Then she gets into a rant about some 80-20 rule where 80% of people get her and 20% don't. Then she opts to segue right into a new subject.

The Knees: Hey what do you want to eat right now?

Me: Oh I'm not hungry, I just had TWO peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

The Knees: (she takes a bite of something)

Me: Sounds like you got yourself a little something there….

The Knees: Oh, well I just made myself an English muffin with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the butter is moist. So it’s moist here by my mouth and it’s also moist down there.

Me: Oh wow. Well that sounds very inviting, must be fun for you.

The Knees: Yeah. Well ok, try to do some pull for me down there at the station and then we can pull on each other later.

Me: Well put, very well put.

The Knees: Ok, talk to you later.

Me: By The Knees.

This is kind of what I imagine The Knees looks like. Should I take her up on her offer?