Stupid is as Stupid Does

Since my job allows me to spend an insanely ridiculous amount of time on the internet, I came across an online school newspaper from a Junior College in Northern California the other day. So I read some of it's articles. Now, I don't consider myself a cruel guy. And I don't consider myself a critical guy. But damn if I had no choice but to be cruel and critical of some of these articles. People, they were SO bad. Almost unbelievably bad. It was painful for me to read and I was embarrassed for the writers. It literally made me cringe. It was like a train wreck; I wanted to stop reading, but I just couldn't draw my eyes away from the discombobulated combination of words I was seeing on the screen in front of me. So in case you haven't caught my drift yet, this shit was bad.

All that said, I'm no writer. I always struggled as a writer and I don't do a whole lot of it these days, so I'm not really one to talk. But these articles seriously reminded me of how I would've written when I was in 5th grade. Then that got me thinking.....I still have some of my work from 5th grade! I dug around my room and found an old newsletter from 5th grade that I did quite a bit of writing for. I was the student body president (as a side note, I became president because I gave a speech where I spoke like Forrest Gump...he was all the rage those days so I have him to thank for my victory) and the newsletter was put out by the student council, so I guess one of my responsibilities was to write a bunch of the articles for the newsletter. Anywho, I thought it would be fun to share a few of these articles with you just to give you an idea of what I went through reading this newspaper I came across. So without further adieu, here are my excerpts from Lomita Math/Science Magnet's newsletter The Leopard Times:

Hello students and teachers. I hope you all have had a good school year so far. I sure have. We will be having a student store. We may be selling things like: Lomita pee-chee folders, Lomita pencils, pencils for the holidays, and more. I hope you had a fun and safe Halloween. So good luck to you and have a great year!

I'm glad I felt the need to discuss multiple topics in one paragraph. And my transitions from one topic to the next are freaking solid! Also, I'm glad I was sure to tell everyone that my school year was off to such an amazing start. Of course my school year was off to a good start, I won the freaking presidency! Just had to rub it in though, didn't I? Nice one Kevin...you douche. I'm just surprised I didn't let everyone know how amazing my Halloween was after wishing everyone a "fun and safe" one. 'Cause if I remember right, that was one crazy-ass Halloween....those Lomita girls......woo, they knew how to party.....

This next article was titled D.E.A.R.:

DROP EVERYTHING AND READ is a new thing this year. We hope boys and girls will become more interested in reading because of D.E.A.R. At 8:50 to 9:00 AM everyone is to drop everything and read. This is a great program for everyone.

You know who this is a great program for?? The teachers who get 10 minutes of not having to teach! How freaking awesome for them! 10 less minutes of teaching us roman numerals and long division, I'd take that any day. And wow, how about my first sentence? "A new thing this year"!? I couldn't come up with a better description for this program other than thing?! How about "program"?! I mean, I managed to describe D.E.A.R. as a program at the end of the article, just didn't quite come to me at the beginning I guess....

One more for you, and I won't give any stupid commentary afterward. All I can say is I have no idea how this didn't get me beat up. Here's Uniforms:

We here at Lomita are now wearing uniforms. We think that the uniforms will help us to wear proper clothing. The uniforms are blue and white. We really think that this is going to work in a positive way.