I Wanna Take You To The GAY BAR, GAY BAR, GAY BAR!

Having a gay best friend is awesome. I went to Mickey's in West Hollywood with Danny (the gay best friend) and my non-whore of a friend Yasmine last night. Lots of gay men, lots of gay music. In fact, we kept a tally on my arm of how many times Lady Gaga came on. As you can see in the pic, we only got to five before the alcohol got to be too much for us to remember. But I'm sure that number was probably double by the end of the night.

I like to think that I'm a rare breed of straight man who doesn't mind going to gay bars. I think they're pretty great. I mean, the obvious downside as a straight man is that 90% of the people there are men whom I have no sexual attraction to. But the awesome thing is that they have a sexual attraction to me and it can be quite the confidence booster to be hit on by them. That did not happen on this night, BUT, the other awesome thing about gay bars is that straight female friends often accompany these gay men. Fag Hags, Fruit Flies, or whatever other names you have for them. I just stick with "Straight Female Friends Who Often Accompany Gay Men." It's more catchy. So while I did not receive much attention from men on this night, I did have a run in with one of these Straight Female Friends Who Often Accompany Gay Men. I was good and sloshed by this point and found myself out on the dance floor shaking my groove thing with Danny and some of our other friends, when I suddenly notice a fairly attractive girl wearing a short blue dress dancing next to me. I ask Danny if he thinks she's straight, and that's all the lead Danny needed. He was determined to get me a dance. So he moves his way over to her and has this conversation over the pounding music:

Danny: Are you straight or gay?!?

Short Dress Hot Girl: Straight!!

Danny: My best friend is straight, and he LOOVES to dance!!

Me: *Gives thumbs up with dorky face*

Short Dress Hot Girl: *Smiles as she gets pushed over to me by Danny*

So there I am dancing with this girl. And by dancing I mean I'm standing still trying not to fall over from being too drunk while she's backing her thing up into me. (Do they still call it "backing their thing up"?) And this girl was doing some serious grinding on me! I felt moderately violated. So we "dance" for a few songs and she never turned around to face me. Which I guess was alright, but I don't really remember ever seeing her face. After the few songs, her gay friends kinda swooped in and danced her away from me. I think she looked over their way and gave them the sign to swoop in. Which sucked, it would've been nice to go home with a number from the gay bar. From a Straight Female Friend Who Often Accompanies Gay Men, that is. Could've added that one to my very short resume. But I didn't. When I told Danny that she left me, he got mad at her and kept yelling, "She doesn't know what she's missing!" Seriously, he must have shouted that like 12 times. Danny's a good friend.

ChatRoulette

The best thing about ChatRoulette is that it makes you feel like you have a life when really you don't have one at all. I mean, I know I've spent HOURS (like, consecutive hours) on ChatRoulette. And if you look at that situation from the outside, I'd sure look like a loser for sitting in front of a computer for that long. But I really don't think that social networking gets much better than ChatRoulette. It's an INSTANT connection to a real life human being from anywhere in the world. I mean, sure there are probably 14,636 penises waiting for you at any given moment, but there's a certain excitement that comes from not knowing what that "Next" button holds. Sure, it's most likely a penis waiting for you, but it could also be a very friendly person on the other side of that camera. I've had solid conversations with people in Chile, Turkey, Spain, Russia, England, Canada, Texas, Florida, Maryland, Delaware... and that was all just today! I've had really great conversations with extremely attractive women. That doesn't happen in my real life! So why wouldn't I go to a place where that can happen?? And I've also had great conversations with dudes who's penises actually stayed in their pants. I mean, mine came out, but that's beside the point.

So with all that said, I thought it would be fun to share some of the fun moments I was able to capture on ChatRoulette:

These two girls couldn't have been older than 14. Which made me feel a little creepy. But I was just making stupid jokes to them because my

sense of humor usually tends to be at about a 14 year old level. Then I sang them two of my songs (Rushed and Fat Mule) and they apparently fell in love with me. It's a little hard to see in this picture, but they gave me their phone number, asked me to marry them, requested I have their babies and even tattooed my name on their hands. All of which just made me feel like an old creep.

These girls also were sadly young. I swear I'm not fishing for young girls, they

just don't "Next" me because I'm usually the only guy they come across whose penis in his pants. Though when I say young for these girls, I mean like freshmen in college. But I sang a song or two for them as well and after I did they showed me how they were watching me. They had me projected up on a giant ass screen! It was like I was playing for a huge audience in a big old concert hall! Except it was only for like 5 people in a dorm study room. But still! I thought that was very cool, and they even took the time to pose for me to screenshot their cool setup. So thanks random college girls from Colorado (or where ever it was you were from)!

This chick from Arizona played and sang for me after I sang a song for her and her roommates. She sang A Sublime song. I think she did What

I Got. Or maybe Wrong Way. Honestly, I can't remember and I've been working at KROQ for so long that they all just kinda blend together now. But regardless, it was awesome and I was singing along with her. Sadly she kind of ended up being a bitch. I applauded her and told her how cool her performance was and all she could do was ask me if it gave me a boner. But not in a funny way. It was more of a "You're a creep for being on here and talking to college girls, I bet I gave you a boner, huh? That's all you wanted from us was a nice little erection, I know your ways." At least that what I assume the subtext was. Eh, maybe I was wrong.

And lastly, for those of you who don't know, I'm a phone screener for the nationally syndicated radio show Loveline with Dr. Drew, and last night I put on a caller who had a question about ChatRoulette. Due to the obscene amount of time I spend on the site, Drew came to me for my "expertise" on the subject. Listen here:

17

So let me set the scene. It's almost spring and we're having the first warm day we've had in LA in a while. So my best bud Danny invited me and our whore of a friend Yasmine out to the beach. (Yas isn't really a whore, but I thought that might be a fun way to introduce her to you all.) There we are at the beach soaking up the sunshine, when two girls grab a spot maybe 20-30 feet from us. One of these girls is fairly attractive and catches my eye. She looks a little like Mila Kunis. And her friend... well she's not quite as fortunate in the looks department. I try to refrain from mean comments, but Yas ended up dubbing her "The Grenade". That was mean Yas. So we're enjoying our beach day and so are these two girls, but I notice that Mila-look-a-like keeps glancing over my way. And the only reason I notice this is because I keep glancing over her way. We actually made eye contact several times and even smiled at each other a few times. Which NEVER happens to me. At one point, the two girls got up and took a walk. Perhaps to the restroom? Though I don't know why they wouldn't have just gone in the ocean for that, but that's beside the point. The three of us are pretty much ready to leave by that time, so my loving friends suggest I leave Mila-look-a-like a note with my number on it. Danny, Yas and I scramble to find something to write on, eventually coming up with one of Danny's old receipts (surprisingly not filled with condom and booze purchases) and an eye-liner pencil. I start writing the note and the girls walk back. Damn. So as we get ready to leave, Yas and Danny are encouraging me to just go up to her and hand her my number. I stall and make excuses, but after a few minutes finally grow a pair, write down my number and march right up to her. Here's the conversation that ensued:

Me: Hi, so I never do this, but I just think you're really pretty and my friends have been encouraging me to go talk to you, so I figured I'd say hi and pass on my number to you.

Mila-look-a-like: Oh wow, thanks... That's really sweet of you to say....

(Me smiling in anticipation)

Mile-look-a-like: ...but I'm 17.

Me: Ohhh.... well then....

The Grenade: I'm 18!!

Me: Oh so do you want this then? *holding up my number*

The Grenade: YEAH!

Me: Haha. (don't actually give Grenade number, turn to Mila-look-a-like) Yeah, so what're you doing after high school then?

Mila-look-a-like: I'm going to Cal State Fullerton.

Me: Oh nice. Well good luck with all that then.

Mila-look-a-like: Thanks. And thanks again for the nice compliment.

Me: Oh sure, and thanks for your honesty. I appreciate you not lying and turning me into some sort of creep.

Mila-look-a-like: Haha, oh you're so funny, maybe I'll take your number and call you in 3 months when I turn 18.

Me: OK!

Ok, so everything except those last two lines actually happened. After I made the creep comment, I just kind of slowly faded away, giving her the creep eye. Joined back up with my friends to give them all the pedophile-full (pedophul?) details. But seriously, how much does that suck?! I've always been too chicken to be the aggressor, and now I finally do and she's in freaking high school! You sure know how to pick 'em Kevin. Can't wait to see what my next run-in with a girl will hold! Stay tuned....