What can I say? I'm a literal guy.

I don’t know what it is with me, but I’m REALLY good at not getting women. I mean, I deserve some kind of award for the way I shield off women. I’d say I could write the book on it, but I really have no clue how I got so bad at unsuccessfully charming the opposite sex. I was just born this way! But I had an experience the other night that really got me thinking about how ridiculous it is.

I was partying at one of my best friends apartment and it was turning out to be a pretty fun party. There were 80-something jell-o shots floating around and tons of good beers being brought in. Drinks were a-flowing and little groups were beginning to form. I somehow found myself with two of my good friends from college (who are a couple) and their pretty female friend. So while my two friends were being all cuddly and what not, I spent my time talking to pretty female friend. Turns out she’s more than just pretty female friend. She’s funny female friend, witty female friend, good-taste in music, tv and beer female friend and really easy to talk to female friend. She took the time to show me the tattoos on her back, we laughed about our favorite It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia episodes, reminisced on our favorite concerts, shared our love for Blue Moon. I couldn’t believe how well our conversation was going. So when we were at what I would call the prime of our conversation, my bladder was slowly filling up. I can only assume with urine. There we were laughing and conversing with no problem, and all I was doing was curling up my toes praying the pee in bladder would somehow absorb into my body and I’d magically lose the urge to pee. So the great thing about our conversation is that we were just rolling from one thing right into the next. It was pretty natural. But the bad thing about that was there were no moments of silence for me to politely say, “excuse me while I tinkle”. (Yes I would have used those exact words). Eventually it got unbearable so I hopped in during a very brief silence and excused myself. I think she was kind of taken aback that I would just kind of kill the conversation like that. I figured we were getting along so well that we’d be ok. Well I think I was wrong. I peed as fast as I could, came back and the conversation just never picked back up. I totally killed the best conversation I had had with a girl in months. So we chatted a bit more, but nothing that felt as solid as before my visit to the restroom.

Well it didn’t take long before pretty, funny, witty, good taste in music, tv and beer female friend decided it was time to call it a night. Which was a bummer for me to hear. She got up and said her goodbyes. I got a nice hug and she started heading toward the door. A guy who had been sitting near us most of the night is watching me stand there and kind of shouts, “You’re not gonna walk her to her car?! Go get her number!” I said something dumb like, “Oh, do you think that’s a good idea? Ok, I think I will.” So I catch her right as she’s walking out the door and offer to walk her to her car. She says she’s not parked that far but I insisted and she allowed me to. She really wasn’t parked far at all. Our walk was maybe a minute and a half. We chatted a little more. I told her it was refreshing to meet someone that I could have actual conversation with. She genuinely agreed. Well, we got to her car and she literally got in the driver seat, said bye and drove away. Haha. I literally walked her to her car. No phone number; no “let’s get together again”; not even another hug goodbye. It was a LITERAL walk to a car. Well needless to say, I’m kicking myself now that I have no way of contacting her. I doubt I’ll see her again, and if I do, she’ll probably just see me as that guy who never pulled the trigger. It reminds me of the time that I went on a date of sorts with this girl and she invited me to hang out at her place after. We stayed up late watching a movie and she invited me to stay the night. Like, in her bed. That she also sleeps in. So I kind of assumed something was going to happen. That was a poor assumption on my part. We literally just slept that night. So I slept with her. But that’s it. And I told all my friends that I slept with her. But sadly that was the most honest thing I could have told them because that’s all that happened. Oh man, I’m lame.