Things I'll Never Get: #2 Prince

(This is the fourth entry of a countdown of the Top 5 Things I'll Never Get.)

PRINCE:

Or the artist formerly known as Prince. Which ever you prefer. I prefer Prince. Though when it comes to his music, there's very little I prefer. I can't think of a single Prince song I've ever heard that I can remember enjoying. I wouldn't say I HATE any Prince songs. They just don't do it for me. But to be honest, there's very few Prince songs I can even name outside of "When Dove's Cry" and "Darling Nikki". And I only know "Darling Nikki" because the Foo Fighter's covered it and it's undoubtedly my least favorite Foo's song of all time. But I think it's his all around ambiguity that sort of turns me off. Is he gay? Is he straight? Is he even a man? Even his music doesn't quite fit into any specific genre. And I'm all for ambiguity and not being pegged into one category. But I find that not being able to peg Prince frustrates me. And when I say "peg", I do mean have sex with. I don't have much of an arguement here other than I just don't get the appeal. It's just my taste. But all that said, I'm still willing to offer my most recent work of art to Prince's next album. I call it "Prince Prints".

UPDATE: A few days after posting this, I came across this video that my friends from college made. They're in an awesome little comedy group called Koola Ninja that you should check out. But that video just said everything I was trying to say here.

Thing I'll Never Get: #3 UFC

(This is the third entry of a countdown of the Top 5 Things I'll Never Get.)

UFC:

I know they say that man has some kind of primal urge to fight other men and in turn they have the same desire to WATCH men kick the crap out of other men. But what about women?? And what about men who were born with a testosterone deficiency, such as myself?? Did “they” forget about us?? I’m sorry but I can think of nothing less entertaining than watching two men whom I know nothing about beat one another senseless. I have absolutely zero desire to witness this. I don’t even like bar fights. I just get annoyed and uncomfortable. So why deliberately re-create those feelings by watching these UFC fights?? UFC has just been popping up on the mainstream a lot recently and while I’m sure those involved with the sport are thrilled, I just fail to see how others get excited about it. Again, my masculinity is probably about 10 times lower than that of the average man, so that might explain some of it. But it’s just hard for me to fathom how people get so much joy out of watching this sport. Do people think that they have to prove their worth as a human being by showing how much of a beating they can take? I hope not, ‘cause if that’s true, I’m screwed. If I accidentally stub my toe on my way up the stairs, I’m down for the count for the rest of the day. I might even need two days depending on how hard I stub it. But, if UFC fighting is something you do enjoy, more power to you. Though actually, you don’t get that “more power” from me until you let me watch someone beat the crap out of you. Then you’ll be proven to me. That’s just the rules, sorry.

Things I'll Never Get: #4 Mainstream Hip Hop

(This is the 2nd entry of a countdown of the top 5 things I'll never get.)


MAINSTREAM HIP HOP:


Maybe it's because I'm white. But I don't think that's it because I know a lot of white people who are into crappy hip hop. And I also don't think that's the case because I do enjoy GOOD hip hop. Give me The Roots or Jurassic 5, or even some of the classics like Dr. Dre or Snoop or The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff; I'm all good with that. I just can't stand the crap on the radio today. All the Lil' Waynes and Lil' Jon's and Lil' Bow Wow's. I just can't get how people actually find a way to support their music. It's all the same and it's all REALLY bad! I'm generalizing a bit here but it seems like every mainstream hip hop song either deals with drinking, women, gambling, shooting people or all of the above. Granted, a lot of people like to do these things; especially shooting people. But I just can't understand how the people who listen to this music fail to see that every song is EXACTLY the same! Even the decent hip hop artists like Jay-Z or Eminem who tend to have more diverse song subjects will still release the good old fashion drinking in the club with half naked women song every now and then. It sells, I get that. I just don't get why it sells. Why are you bad America?

Things I'll Never Get: #5 Crime Dramas

I've decided to make a list of five things that I'll just never get. Well, actually I decided to make a list of a shit load of things I'll never get, but I've narrowed it down to the top five just for you! These are things that are moderately to immensely popular and I lack the ability to wrap my head around why they're as popular as they are. So with that said we'll get right into it with number five!

CRIME DRAMAS:

I get the appeal. I do. There's a mystery presented at the beginning of the show that gets solved at the end. And viewers almost have no choice but to keep watching to find out who the murderer is, or how the hooker died, or whether the drug dealer had ANYTHING to do with the murder. It's captivating stuff. But what I will never understand is WHY WE NEED 30 DIFFERENT CRIME DRAMAS ON EVERY SINGLE MAJOR NETWORK!!! I mean really now, they're good, but they're not THAT good. You've seen one and you've seen 'em all, so why do so many people watch so many different variations of the same freaking show?! And I feel like every week there's a new one popping up. CSI, NCIS, Law & Order (which I'm surprised they're not calling "L&O" just to fit in), Without a Trace, Criminal Minds, That Other Crappy One That Happened To Be On After The Show I Was Watching Last Wednesday With the Bad Actors and Lame Plot Line (TOCOTHTBOATSIWWLWWTBAALPL, as it's more commonly known). The list goes on and on. I honestly can't watch any of those shows. Maybe it's partly because my ex-girlfriend used to make me watch HOURS of Law & Order with her back in the day. I mean, I once saw Ice T knock out like 7 rapists in one day thanks to her. But regardless of how good or bad these shows are, there's absolutely no need for the amount of crime dramas on TV right now. In fact, I think I'm going to start a petition to get rid of some. Oooh, I'll get to that in a second though, they're about to bust into the meth lab on CSI....

Spiders We Have Heard on High

Within the past three days (in three separate places) my head has been attacked by artificial spider webs. It's a week and a half before Halloween, so this makes sense. But I've never before noticed how many places decorate with these spider webs. I'm not necessarily complaining because when I was a kid I used to COVER my front yard with these spider webs. We'd be taking down webs until New Years. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I went digging around the yard today and found some old webbage. But after seeing webs plastered on the walls and ceiling at two different bars and in my little booth at work, it's really given me time to ponder their purpose. They look eerie and all, I get that. But is there a spider web season?? And if so, is that season now? I'm pretty sure spiders spin webs year round, so why do they just get put up during Halloween? We should be embracing the gifts of spiders year round! Throw some Christmas spider webs on the Christmas tree; give the one you love a heart shaped spider web for Valentines day; hang up that red, white & blue web with pride on the 4th of July. The possibilities are endless. So while I don't necessarily enjoy getting artificial webs stuck in my hair from running into low hung webs, I think we're severely under-utilzing the abilities of the spider. So I say thank you to spiders today. But I will also give thanks to my eight legged friends during my Thanksgiving feast; and when the ball drops on New Years; and when I'm planting a tree on Arbor Day in hopes that the tree will one day be infested with spider webs. Thank you spiders.

I'm Mike D and I get respect!

I see lots of random stuff on my way to work and I tend to keep these randoms siting's to myself. But today I realized I have a perfect outlet right here! So today I saw a truck for a local plumbing company called "Mike Diamond Plumbing". I've seen this truck many a time before, but on this day it cut me off and I was stuck behind it for a good mile or two while in traffic. This gave me plenty of time to notice Mike Diamond's slogan which I had never before noticed. On all sides of the truck, the words "The Smell Good Plumber!" are plastered. This REALLY got me thinking. Probably more than it should have. But I couldn't help but wonder what exactly they meant by this? I mean, I get that plumbers deal with very smelly things, such as toilets where human waste is often excreted. So does the slogan mean that they will make your plumbing jobs smell good? Or does the slogan literally translate to the plumber him/herself smelling good?? That sounds nice and all, but is that really what people are looking for in a plumber? Is there an abundance of foul smelling plumbers? And if so, is Mike Diamond offering us all the alternative of good smelling plumbers? I guess that's not a bad thing. But for some reason when I imagine the smell of these plumbers, I just smell cheap cologne and breath mints covering up the falafels they had for lunch.

Well when I got to work, I went onto Mike Diamond's website and right there on the homepage is Mike Diamond's personal guarantee: "I guarantee my plumber will show up on time and smell good or your house call is free!". So it IS the plumber that's guaranteed to smell good! That's quite a guarantee Mr. Diamond. What if your plumber's internal plumbing isn't quite up to par? That might not smell so great. And sometimes you can't control that. I'd sure feel bad if I was the plumber who happened to have bad gas that day and ended up breaking your guarantee, Mr. Diamond.

All said though, I think it's a ballsy move on Mike Diamond's part and I applaud him for his innovative thinking. I WISH I could make a guarantee like that to the people I see on a daily basis. But I just can't. And to those people, I apologize.

C-man & C-men

I haven't posted anything about KROQ callers in a while. I just got this call from a frequent caller whose name I found out is Clayton. Here's what this conversation with Clayton consisted of:

Me: KROQ...

Clayton: I want Kat! (That would be Kat Corbett, our DJ.)

Me: Well she's on air right now...

Clayton: (stops to listen to the radio) No she's not, it's music!

Me: No, I mean she's like the DJ right now. She's busy, she can't take phone calls.

Clayton: Ok, well tell her I want her in my bed...tonight!

Me: Ok, what's your name?

Clayton: Clayton.

Me: And how is she gonna get in touch with you?

Clayton: Uhh..my number...is........uhhh.....

(I then read him his own phone number from our caller ID. He remembers midway through and finishes the number for me.)

Clayton: Tell her I want her in my bed tonight!

Me: Ok, thanks Clayton!

That's a long version of the usual conversation I have with Clayton. It's generally just one sentence out of him, and that sentence is usually, "I want Kat in my bed!". Occasionally the word 'now' or 'tonight' is thrown in at the end of that sentence, as seen in the previous conversation.

I also got a pretty cool call from this girl named Sivan who I spoke with once before. She was excited to share that she heard my name mentioned several times on Loveline last night! For some reason my name was brought up just about anytime the word 'semen' was mentioned. I guess that's not too unusual though. Especially since Psycho Mike was co-hosting and he and I have a history of semen sharing. But it was nice to finally get some caller recognition for all the hard work I've put in over the past two years. And all it took was a little semen....

CUPfomercial!

I posted this special little video on my Facebook account a week or two ago. I had a blast making it, and perhaps there will be more to come. So if you have not yet seen my CUPfomercial, please view immediately below. But if you have seen it, then feel free to scroll down a little to the next video. Or watch it again, you know I don't really care what you do.

So then a few days after finishing THAT video, I realized I had a few kind of funny bloopers/outtakes. So I opted to put them together in this little video, which also includes some NOT very funny bloopers/outtakes. But I didn't want it to be a 9 second video using ONLY the funny outtakes. So I just threw in whatever I could to take up some time. In short, this video really sucks and you should do whatever you possibly can to avoid it.

(If you'd like to have the option of seeing these videos in a larger size, they can also be viewed here and here respectively.)

BANG!

Holy crap! Where did July go?! I didn't update this thing AT ALL in July! My bad. But atleast we're starting August with a bang! This does qualify as a "bang", right? Or are there some sort of requirements this posting has to meet to be considered a "bang"? Damn, I don't know what the requirements are, so let's just hope I meet them.

Anywho, I'm bored and whenever I'm bored I play my favorite game to kill some time. And you can play too! The game is called "New Game" and the rules are simple. First person to make up a new game for everyone to play wins. Sound good? GO!

Blog-a Balooza! Day 7: Fun with Dorm Life

Well, well, well....what have we here? Day seven of Blog-a-Balooza! you say? And you doubted me. Well looks like I showed you! (Wow, I don't even know who I'm talking to anymore.)

So with this being the final day of Blog-a-Balooza!, I'm a bit drained on ideas of what to blog about. So I figured I'd just share some of my favorite sites that I like to waste time on. I figure if you're here reading this, you must be looking for ways to kill time, so I'll go ahead and help you in your search.

Fun With Craigslist is a blog started and maintained by my friend/co-worker Tyler. We're actually best friends/best co-workers. He won't admit to that if you ask, but we are. The dude is beyond hilarious and innovative and has been for as long as I've known him, so it's cool to see him use this as an outlet for his creative abilities. I could go into detail on what the site is, but just click the link and look, I guarantee you'll laugh. Possibly even out loud. An 'LOL' if you will.

Dorm Life is one of the best things I've come across this year. It's a web series that focusses on a group of 10 fictional college students (plus some key role players) living on a dorm floor. It's shot in the same style as The Office where there's a camera crew on the floor filming the lives of these fictional students, complete with private confessionals where the characters reflect on things to their web camera's. I'm not very good at reviewing things, but I'll tell you this series is awesome all around. Extremely well written, terrific acting, great camera work. It's hilarious and you find yourself bonding with the characters as you watch. I really appreciate it as someone who lived in the dorms for 4 years but it seems to be a show that is enjoyable regardless of whether you've shared the experience of living on campus. About two weeks after I discovered this show, I randomly ran into one of (if not THE) main characters of the show, Mike (who's real name is Chris Smith). We were both in the Chipotle in Culver City and the dude was beyond cool. And very humbled to be recognized on the street, telling me it doesn't happen too often. But he's a really talented guy (as all the contributing members of the show are) and aside from starring in it, he edits and I believe does a fair share of the writing. He probably does a bunch more too. But I thought it was funny that I ran into him RIGHT after I started getting into the show, otherwise I would've just walked right by him and missed out on some nice conversation. Anywho, go watch Dorm Life.

I don't really have a whole lot to say about these other sites other than they're funny and I enjoy them. Check them out some time:

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

http://mylifeisaverage.com/

http://goudawooda.blogspot.com/

Blog-a Balooza! Day 6: Pen15

Six days in a row of updating! That would mean I'm one day and one update away from reaching my goal of updating for one week straight. Oh Blog-a-Balooza, you're looking to be a success!


Over the past few months I've been coming across pictures on random Google image searches as well as taking my own pictures of objects or designs that all have a common theme. Only problem is, I can't figure out what that common theme is. All I know is that all of these objects/designs spoke to me. They stood out to me and they stood proud and firm. You could almost even say I was attracted to them in some way. Not sure what it is, maybe you could look at them and give me some insight....

Blog-a-Balooza! Day 5: Who is Kevin Schatz?

I was just introduced to the Cha Cha text service last week. If you're not familiar, it's basically just a service where you text a question in and it will answer the question for you. It's really designed for people who don't have the internet on their phones for when they're out and about and need to know something like the start time of a game or movie or something like that. Or it's for people who are too lazy to Google something themselves. But it's a pretty cool service because it's free (aside from standard text rates that do apply and a quick advertisement or two that are sent right after you ask the question) and because it tends to be pretty accurate. Anywho, the reason I bring Cha Cha up is because it BLEW MY MIND the first time we used it. A few friends and I were out drinking and we were a few beers deep and definitely feeling them when someone suggested we ask Cha Cha who I was. We literally sent it "Who is Kevin Schatz?". It initially asked for more imformation, needing to know where I was from. So we text back "Lomita, CA". Again, bear in mind that we were all a bit tipsy at this time, but the response amazed me. Here is the word for word response from Cha Cha: "Kevin Schatz works for KROQ (an alternative rock station in LA), & primarily answers the request lines. He's also known as Gouda." Now in case you don't know me, that is EXACTLY right! I mean, right down to the fact that I PRIMARILY answer the phones. I do a few different things for the station, and the request line in just the main thing I do. So we were all pretty much blown away. I had to look at the phone several times and I have to admit, I was a little freaked out that Cha Cha was telling me who I was. I don't even know you Cha Cha!!! Now even in our drunken state, we were smart enough to realize that someone is simply Googling these questions. And they MUST'VE gotten this answer from my Facebook or Myspace. Only problem was I couldn't remember typing any of that information on any of those sites. In fact, I KNEW I hadn't shared that information on my Facebook or MySpace. So we were all pretty boggled as to how Cha Cha was so precise in it's answer. It wasn't until getting home later that night that I scoured my various websites for this info and eventually found my way to this very blog that you're reading right now. I ask you now to glance over to the right side of my page and scroll down or up a little (depending on where this particular entry is on your page) and tell me if you see anything familiar. Are you telling me? 'Cause I can't hear you. Well regardless, Cha Cha's answer pretty much came word for word from the info I provided on this blog. I must say, it's still pretty impressive because this blog isn't the first thing to pop up when searching "Kevin Schatz Lomita, CA". In fact it doesn't even come up in the first dozen searches, if at all. So someone dug around my various social networking sites to get their answer. And for that they are to be commended. I just hope whoever found my info has come back to read my blog more. Have you Cha Cha? Have you???

Blog-a Balooza! Day 4: Kid Quotes

This would be my 4th straight day of Blog-a-Balooza! so I guess that means I'm still on pace to make it all seven days. Really though, that doesn't sound too impressive.....seven straight days of updating a blog? Oh boy, watch out for me! It's kind of even sadder when I realize that hardly anyone even reads this blog. But I like to think that someone will come across this down the line and be like, "Oh look, he updated seven straight days in a row and called it Blog-a-Balooza! How cute, he must've thought it was such a good idea at the time....poor guy..."

Anywho, for today's blog I thought I'd share with you some of my favorite kid quotes from when I worked for an After School Program by my house. As much of a pain as some kids can be, my goodness they say the funniest things! They don't hold anything back and it makes for some good laughs. I have quite a few "conversation" quotes that go back and forth between me and the kid or two kids or something like that. But I find that the one liners are usually the best. So that's what I'm sharing here. All names have been changed for the confidentiality of the young ones. With that said, please enjoy:

Jeffery: Hey! Why does he get delicious pudding?!

Nick: You know, some people wear their pajamas under their clothes.

Greg: Jeffery just kissed my ear.

David: You smell like my dad.

Cole: Kevin he looks like you. (Pointing at a picture of Kevin from The Backstreet Boys.)

Nick: You know, most electric fences are very dangerous.

Eric: If you cut off your butt, do you die?

April: I ate all of my corn nuts without drinking ANY water!

Greg: One time in preschool, this kid didn't wear his underwear.

Eric: I was going to the bathroom then this happened. (Pointing at his wet pants.)

Blog-a Balooza! Day 3: Mentos, The Fizz Maker!

This is Greg , Chuck and I at Greg's aunt Laurel's house. She really wanted to test the Mentos/Coke thing and had all the necessary supplies to do so. I hadn't heard of this Mentos/Coke reaction so I was pleasantly surprised. The best part is that little fizz sound when the camera looks into the post-experiment Coke. That and the fact that the Coke isn't Coke at all, but actually Stars and Stripes. God Bless America.

Blog-a-Balooza! Day 2: The Blueberry Edition

Well this is day two of Blog-a-Balooza! in which I am attempting to update my blog each day for one week straight. So far so good, I suppose. And today's entry recaps the adventure of a determined little blueberry!

So I had two friends in town earlier this week, Greg and Chuck, who took off to Nor Cal for the end of their road trip yesterday. So to show them off in the best way I knew how, I took them out to breakfast at IHOP. Not only did I take them for pancakes, I took them to an INTERNATIONAL HOUSE of pancakes. Damn I'm a good host! We all enjoyed our various breakfast foods and I personally ordered the Double Blueberry Pancakes. Now obviously with a name like Double Blueberry Pancakes, I was expecting there to be quite a few blueberries on these pancakes. But holy crap, I'm pretty sure they forgot to give me pancakes with my blueberries! These things were COVERED in blueberries. Funniest thing about that is I'm really not that big a fan of blueberries. I just really like them in pancake form with the bomb blueberry syrup IHOP gives you. Anywho, we all devoured our meals and said our goodbyes as Greg and Chuck took off on their road trip. I went home and took a quick nap to let my breakfast settle. But apparently these blueberries (or atleast one of these blueberries in particular) had other ideas. I wake up from my nap and feel a slight bowel movement, which I've found is a common occurrence among human beings. So I take care of my business and after I'm done I take a look in the bowl, as is generally habit for me. I'm surprised and somewhat worried to see a small darkish object sitting at the top of the bowl. I get as close as I can without making myself vomit only to discover that this small dark object is a FREAKING BLUEBERRY! I had just POOPED a WHOLE BLUEBERRY!! I didn't know what to do. Dig it out and save it? Take a picture? Sit back down and see if I could squeeze another one out? I sadly did none of these things and instead proudly glared into the toilet bowl in awe of my accomplishment. I regret not taking a picture as proof, but I doubt many people would have enjoyed this visual as much as I would.

So there are a few thoughts I've had on this experience since it occured. First, this blueberry made it's great escape from my body not more than three hours after I originally put it in my mouth. I'm no digestion expert, but I'm pretty sure food normally takes a little longer to digest than that. So the saddest thing of all this is that my body rejected the valuable nutrients inside of the blueberry and instead just kept passing it along at each digestion station in my body. Quite the determined blueberry; my sister dubbed it "The Little Blueberry That Could".

One of the other blueberry thoughts I had came as I was watching the Dodger game last night. I realized that this blueberry may just be the ultimate sign of my devotion to the Dodgers. Dodger fans always brag about how they bleed Dodger blue...but I'm pretty sure none of them have bled any color other than some shade of red. So maybe they're really Cincinatti Reds fans? BUT, from the moment that blueberry found it's way into the toilet bowl yesterday, I earned the right to officially tell people that I POOP DODGER BLUE!! Or, I poop Dodger blueberries anyways. Maybe the Dodgers should look into selling Dodger Blueberries. I'd buy them. Back to the point though, Dodger fans, be jealous. None of you can say you poop Dodger blue. The truth is in the toilet bowl...

BLOG-A-BALOOZA!

I've decided that, while I don't want to be an annoying blogger who constantly updates about the stupidest things, I do think I need to update with a bit more frequency. So to get myself in the habit of updating, I've decided that starting today, this week will be known as "Blog-A-Balooza!". And the goal is to update my blog once each day for one whole week. My guess is this will last for two days. But who knows, maybe I won't even make it that fa

Shake it, like a ladder to the sun.

So we've had ourselves a couple of earthquakes here in So Cal in the past few days. We had a 4.7 hit on Sunday night and a 4.0 after shock hit today (both of which were epicentered (not a word is it?) about 10-15 miles from my house). I'll admit earthquakes are scary and they tend to shake me up a bit (pun intended). I mean, when your world around you literally shakes, it's enough to kind of make you sweat. But once you realize the quake is over and nothing's damaged, there's no need to worry anymore.

And BIG earthquakes are definitely a big deal. But in turn, according to one of those mathematical proportion properties that I didn't pay enough attention in 7th grade math class to to remember the name of, when they're not big, they're really not that big a deal. But OF COURSE, local news covers the hell out of it. I watched some news coverage on Sunday night and they had reporters "on the scene" of the earthquake. And that's hilarious to me because if you felt the earth shaking, you were "on the scene". No need to travel anywhere news reporters. Just step outside your news room and you'll be standing on earth, which is where the earthquake occurred. I mean, I get, I do. The earth shakes and you gotta cover it. But just give us what we need to hear like the magnitude, the epicenter, damages, etc. No need for the interviews from those who felt it. They're all gonna say the same thing: "Yeah, well at first I wasn't sure what was happening. I just thought maybe I was a little dizzy. Then by the time I realized it was an earthquake, it was done. " Or the inarticulate dude who's trying to describe his experience: "Well...uhh....I felt like the ground shake...and then like, a boom kinda thing....and I was like, 'Is this an earthquake?' And it was. Then it stopped."

I also think it's funny when the news helicopters are sent out to cover an earthquake. The helicopter makes sense if there are damages and you want to show an aerial view of such damages. But in a 4.0 aftershock in which the worst thing that happened was a leaf being shaken off a tree in the backyard of the house sitting right on the epicenter, the helicopter has NOTHING to show. "And you can see here the area where the earth WAS shaking. Some people on the ground said they could feel it, but even if our helicopter had this shot while it was happening, we still wouldn't have been able to see the ground shaking. As you can see there is very little activity down there as no damages have occurred and most people have already forgotten that there even was an earthquake." I mean, c'mon now! The only thing today's helicopter was good for was delaying my drive home since it was hovering right over the freeway I take home and everyone was slowing down to try to figure out what the hell it was looking at! Well my fellow traffic patrons, it was looking at the earthquake. It. Was. Looking. At. The. Earthquake. Thanks earth. I'm boycotting earth day next year.

I Do....shku

So Eliza Dushku came into Loveline this past week and the following

photos serve as proof that her and I are dating. As you can see in the screen shot to the right (taken from http://www.lovelineshow.com/) Eliza and I are looking awfully cozy with one another. Would two people who are "just friends" be as flirtatious with one another as this picture depicts? I think not. Not enough proof?

The photo below features the post-it note that Eliza doodled on while on-air. As you can see, she used a blue marker and a red marker to simultaneously scribble various names. And what various names did she choose? Hers and MINE. Sure looks like a "Kevin" to me. And that only means one thing in my book. We're dating.

Check your mail in the coming weeks for the wedding invites. We'll be registered at Bed Bath & Beyond.

I'll Splash Your Mountain!

I found this picture from about 2 or 3 years ago and it got my creative juices flowing (some kind of juice always seems to be flowing out of me). Back in my youth, my siblings and good friends used to make an annual trip to Disneyland and I feel like we always planned something funny for our Splash Mountain picture. This particular picture (which features, from front to back: me, my sister Erica, my brother's girlfriend Tina, my brother Robert, a random faceless person and another random person who I'll guess is named Anthony) was planned at the last minute, if I recall correctly. And considering that, I think it came out pretty good.

But I remember doing some fun ones back in the day. One that comes to mind was when we did the symbols to the 2ge+her song U + Me = Us (Calculus). The person in the front pointed forward as if to say "you"; next person made a plus sign with their arms; next person pointed at themselves to say "me"; next person made an equal sign w/ their arms; last person hugged themselves to say "us". We thought we were hilarious, maybe we weren't I don't know. I remember one time I made a monkey face or something like that, and apparently it looked like I was spitting because our picture was "washed away". It never showed up and when we asked about it, they said it was because I was spitting over the edge and that I could get kicked out of the park for that. I went home crying.

But back to the original point, I've decided the time has come to come up with the funniest, most original Splash Mountain picture EVER. I have no idea what that is yet, but it's my new project and I'm sure if I have a good enough idea, I could get my siblings and some friends to pay for a fun day at Disneyland that includes a visit to Splash Mountain to accomplish the goal. Please feel free to comment and share funny things you've done on Splash Mountian (or other picture-taking rides); pictures are a plus! Obviously I'm not gonna steal your ideas, I just want to make sure I don't do something that's already been done.

I did some peeking around the web for random Splash Mountain facts and was amused to discover that there are sites devoted to women who flash the camera on their way down the mountain in a phenomenon known as "Flash Mountain". But I'm at work and can't look at sites of this nature, so I don't know what's legit and what's not. I wonder if the Disneyland people get mad when guys flash their nips at the camera?

Well hopefully you can check back here in the coming weeks or months and see the finished product. Or this motiviation will pass and I won't even go to Disneyland for another 6 years and you'll never see the picture, it'll be one or the other.

Korea Patch Kid

Last night my brother and I went to Dodger Stadium for the first of three games of which we have tickets to for the World Baseball Classic. The WBC is essentially the World Cup of baseball. Sixteen teams from all over the world have been playing in stadiums all over the world and now the final four teams are playing for the championship at Dodger Stadium. So last night we saw Korea CRUSH Venezuela 10-2. And the winner of tonight's USA v. Japan game will play Korea for the championship. I'll be wearing my red, white and blue jump suit. Anyhow, it was a really great game to be at because it felt like a cultural experience. The Korean population far outweighed any other group so it felt like a home game being played in Korea to some extent.

And while feeling as though I was immersed in the middle of a foreign country while in my own backyard was a lot of fun, one of my favorite parts of the game was conversing with the older couple sitting next to me. They were probably in their late 60s and as we talked I learned they were originally from New York (though their accents gave that away early on). At one point the two of them were arguing over the aesthetics of Dodger Stadium. The husband was talking about how beautiful and classic it was, and the wife was talking about how ugly it was. I chimed in at some point, talking about how much I love Dodger Stadium. I ended my point saying something along the lines of, "Dodger Stadium is the best looking stadium in all of baseball." It then got quiet for a few seconds and I assumed they either didn't hear me or stopped listening. Then after a few more seconds passed the woman leaned in close to me and said, "If you wanna get to Heaven you better stop saying things like that. I'm a Yankee fan." Oh man how I laughed. She then spent some time telling me about how she saw some of the most historic players in Yankee (and baseball) history play at Yankee Stadium as she grew up. Very cool to listen to. I conversed with the two of them throughout the game and they were hilarious. They kept bantering with one another and had a bunch of funny one liners. But the funniest thing either of them said came when Dae Ho Lee came up to bat for Korea. The woman tapped me on the arm and said, "He looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid!" I looked up and she was absolutely right, wouldn't you agree?

Stupid is as Stupid Does

Since my job allows me to spend an insanely ridiculous amount of time on the internet, I came across an online school newspaper from a Junior College in Northern California the other day. So I read some of it's articles. Now, I don't consider myself a cruel guy. And I don't consider myself a critical guy. But damn if I had no choice but to be cruel and critical of some of these articles. People, they were SO bad. Almost unbelievably bad. It was painful for me to read and I was embarrassed for the writers. It literally made me cringe. It was like a train wreck; I wanted to stop reading, but I just couldn't draw my eyes away from the discombobulated combination of words I was seeing on the screen in front of me. So in case you haven't caught my drift yet, this shit was bad.

All that said, I'm no writer. I always struggled as a writer and I don't do a whole lot of it these days, so I'm not really one to talk. But these articles seriously reminded me of how I would've written when I was in 5th grade. Then that got me thinking.....I still have some of my work from 5th grade! I dug around my room and found an old newsletter from 5th grade that I did quite a bit of writing for. I was the student body president (as a side note, I became president because I gave a speech where I spoke like Forrest Gump...he was all the rage those days so I have him to thank for my victory) and the newsletter was put out by the student council, so I guess one of my responsibilities was to write a bunch of the articles for the newsletter. Anywho, I thought it would be fun to share a few of these articles with you just to give you an idea of what I went through reading this newspaper I came across. So without further adieu, here are my excerpts from Lomita Math/Science Magnet's newsletter The Leopard Times:

Hello students and teachers. I hope you all have had a good school year so far. I sure have. We will be having a student store. We may be selling things like: Lomita pee-chee folders, Lomita pencils, pencils for the holidays, and more. I hope you had a fun and safe Halloween. So good luck to you and have a great year!

I'm glad I felt the need to discuss multiple topics in one paragraph. And my transitions from one topic to the next are freaking solid! Also, I'm glad I was sure to tell everyone that my school year was off to such an amazing start. Of course my school year was off to a good start, I won the freaking presidency! Just had to rub it in though, didn't I? Nice one Kevin...you douche. I'm just surprised I didn't let everyone know how amazing my Halloween was after wishing everyone a "fun and safe" one. 'Cause if I remember right, that was one crazy-ass Halloween....those Lomita girls......woo, they knew how to party.....

This next article was titled D.E.A.R.:

DROP EVERYTHING AND READ is a new thing this year. We hope boys and girls will become more interested in reading because of D.E.A.R. At 8:50 to 9:00 AM everyone is to drop everything and read. This is a great program for everyone.

You know who this is a great program for?? The teachers who get 10 minutes of not having to teach! How freaking awesome for them! 10 less minutes of teaching us roman numerals and long division, I'd take that any day. And wow, how about my first sentence? "A new thing this year"!? I couldn't come up with a better description for this program other than thing?! How about "program"?! I mean, I managed to describe D.E.A.R. as a program at the end of the article, just didn't quite come to me at the beginning I guess....

One more for you, and I won't give any stupid commentary afterward. All I can say is I have no idea how this didn't get me beat up. Here's Uniforms:

We here at Lomita are now wearing uniforms. We think that the uniforms will help us to wear proper clothing. The uniforms are blue and white. We really think that this is going to work in a positive way.

Conversations with Grandma....

I had the best conversation with my grandma today. I'll transcribe it here but there a few things to know before reading. First, my grandma is awesome and I love her to death (though I don't know many people who don't love their grandma to death). But sadly she's been dealing with Alzheimers and I actually had a variation of this conversation with her 2 or 3 times after the initial one. It's kinda sad, but there are some advantages to it. I mean, we never run out of conversation. And it gives me a chance to get the conversation right in case I feel like I didn't nail it the first time. But the first variation of this particular conversation was gold! Secondly, it helps to know that Danny (who is mentioned in this conversation) has been my best friend since first grade...oh and he likes boys. Knowing that he's gay makes a difference. So with that said, enjoy!

Grandma: Do you have a girlfriend?
Me: No, not at the moment.
Grandma: Why not? You don’t want one?
Me: No, I think it’s more that a girlfriend doesn’t want me.
Grandma: Oh Kev! Well you’re a good kid.
Me: Thanks grandma.
Grandma: And how’s Danny doing?
Me: He’s doing really well. He always asks about you.
Grandma: Oh, he's such a good kid! And how about Danny, does he have a girlfriend?
Me (trying not to laugh): Nope, he doesn’t either.
Grandma: Oh, that’s right, he’s like you!
(Oh, he’s like me in more ways than you know Grandma.)
Me (w/ a smile): Yeah, we just hang out together a lot.
Grandma: Oh, I’m so glad you two are together, you’re so good for each other. And you're both such good kids!
Me: Yeah, we’re just waiting for Prop 8 to get overturned then we’ll invite you to the wedding.

Everything but the last line of that conversation was actually said. Oh grandma....

Freak & Offensive?

Now I'm not of Asian descent in any form, but am I the only one who found this product a bit offensive? I mean, I'm not deeply or personally offended by it, but really?!? They couldn't come up with a better name to describe this type of moustache?! How about "The Handlebar Stache"? "The Confucius"? "The Overgrown Child Molester"? (Just as a note, this is the first sentence in this blog that isn't a question....or is it?) Seriously, anything would've been better than "China Man". I mean, am I just out of the loop on this? That is a really offenisve term, isn't it? Or at the very least it's an inappropriate racial slang term. I don't know. I do know that I like the company's name though. Freak & Easy. That's a little bit clever, right? It sounds like freakin' easy....which is how I often describe myself. I'm getting distracted now but long story short, if you'd like your own "China Man" moustache, I found this beauty at Party City. I bought 30 of them. And I'm wearing one right now.

Sally Snizzle

This is part two in a series of blogs devoted to frequent callers I get on the request line at my job (KROQ-Los Angeles). For part one, scroll down and look for the blog titled "The Cure Guy". For now, I introduce you to:

Sally Snizzle


Now before you go and get all confused, Sally Snizzle is actually a guy. My first experience with Sally was last year during the weeks prior to Weenie Roast (KROQ’s annual summer show). He was calling quite frequently trying to win tickets and instead of just hanging up after I told him he didn’t win, he’d kind of give me a hard time and ask why I couldn’t just give him the tickets. I get this all the time, but this guy actually had a funny demeanor to him. So during one of our brief conversations, he asked if we could come up with a secret code so that I’d know it was him when I was looking for a winner. During each of our contests we look for caller 20 by picking up the first 19 calls saying “KROQ 1, KROQ 2, KROQ 3” and so forth until we reach 20. We never wait for a response from the first 19 callers, we just tell them what number they are and hang up on them. So Sally decided that I should answer the same way but instead of hanging up right away I should listen for a response. If it was him on the line he’d yell “SALLY SNIZZLE!” and I’d know to put him on hold and make him the winner after I answered the rest of the calls. Of course I wouldn’t actually make him the winner because that would be breaking our policy and if I got busted for that I’d lose my job. But I still told him I’d listen out for him. And I did, but sadly I never once heard a “SALLY SNIZZLE!” during my numerous contests. It was actually pretty fun for me as I’d answer each call and kind of smile in anticipation of hearing a grown man yell “SALLY SNIZZLE!” at me. But he’d generally call after the contests disappointed that he wasn’t one of the first 20 callers, but glad that I actually listened for him. But that’s the way the name Sally Snizzle came about and he continued to call at very random times even after Weenie Roast and has since become one of my regular callers.


If I had to guess, I’d say Sally is in his late 20s or early 30s. He could be a bit older though. It’s hard to tell because he’s a total stoner and usually calls me when he’s high, so he sounds like a young surfer dude. But he cracks me up every time he calls. He’s actually a pretty smart guy, very quick witted and he’s always very careful about telling me details on his life. All I really know about him is he has a girlfriend who used to work for a hotel (I know this because he offered to get me a job at this hotel) and he smokes a lot of pot. Oh, and I know music plays a pretty big role in his life because he’s sometimes playing guitar while he’s on the phone with me and he’s ALWAYS telling me about bands I should check out. It’s kind of funny because he’ll call to win tickets to KROQ shows, but then he’ll spend 10 minutes talking shit about the music we play and telling me how much better we used to be. Then he’ll tell me how we COULD be so much better if we played such and such a band. I’ve actually checked out a few of the bands that he told me to listen to and enjoyed them.


One of the most interesting on-going mysteries about him is his connection to KROQ. He’s able to name people who work for KROQ who really only people who work for KROQ or have some kind of inside connection to KROQ would know. The last time I talked to him he asked me if we were hiring or if I could get him a job. I told him we were looking for phone-ops and told him where to send his resume and he said, “Maybe I’ll apply…it might be cool to work for KROQ again….I mean, it might be cool to work for KROQ.” And when I called him out on the “again” and asked when he used to work for KROQ he said, “No, what? No I’ve never worked there.” But he said it in a kind of funny tone that sort of hinted he was lying but didn’t want to get into it. Personally I kind of like the mystery, but I’m still gonna bug him about it.


I always tell Sally that he needs to set up a blog because the stuff he says is too funny and just out there to be kept between me and him. (For the record though, he tells me that he calls a bunch of other radio stations and bugs them. So I’m not the only one who gets to hear his gems. But the other stations don’t give him the time of day like I do, so they’re missing out!) I’m still not sure whether his stories are all bull shit because he tells them with such conviction. But I’ve decided I don’t care because they’re entertaining regardless. It’s funny when he tells me that he’s looking through his guitar pic collection telling me where he got each pic from. He claims that he catches them from various guitarists when they throw them out into the crowd from the stage. This wouldn’t be that weird of a thing to hear if it was just a few pics, but he listed off all kinds of names for me. And it seems pretty unlikely that he’d be in just the right position at each of these shows to catch these tiny pieces of plastic. But it’s funny picturing him sitting there fishing through all these pics saying, “yeah this one was from Dave Mustaine when he was in Metallica…hang on, I also have one from him from a Megadeth show. Yeah, here it is. And this one is from Slash….” and so on and so forth. The last story he told me was when he ran into Dave Grohl (lead singer of Foo Fighters/former drummer of Nirvana) at a random show at the House Of Blues and ended up hanging out with him for the night. He claims Dave bought him drinks and they talked about some small Nirvana show that Sally was at years ago before Nirvana hit the main stream. Dave said he remembered the show and thought it was crazy that Sally was there. It’s just funny because any or ALL of that story could be false. Did Sally really see Dave Grohl at the House of Blues? Maybe, but did he actually talk to him or did he just make the story up? Or maybe he really did go up and say hi to him but didn’t really get into conversation with him. Or maybe they did hit it off and every single bit of the story is true. This is why I enjoy talking to Sally so much because there’s really NO way of knowing based on the way he tells his stories.


One of the funniest stories he told me was about a time he climbed a tree just outside of the Hollywood Bowl when Radiohead was doing a sound check. He claims he does this all the time because it’s close enough to see the shows without actually having to pay to get in. But he said he was singing along and making a bunch of noises from the tree, like hooting and cheering just because he could. He says that Thom Yorke (the lead singer of Radiohead) looked out in the direction of the tree and said in his thick, softly spoken-British accent, “sounds like we got a monkey in the trees there, huh?” and just left it at that. Seems like this story could have very well been made up but the way Sally tells it, I’m somewhat convinced it actually happened.


It’s almost always a bad idea to meet people who call the request line on a regular basis, but I almost feel like running into Sally on the street would not end badly. He really wanted me to use my KROQ connection and request tickets to one of the Metallica shows in LA last December to take him as my guest. I came close to considering it only because I’m sure it would’ve provided for some funny stories. But it would’ve totally ruined the mystery that is Sally Snizzle. That and, you know, he could actually be a serial killer who would’ve taken my life, so I probably made a good choice.

Please Don't Make Me Laugh

This gem of a billboard caught my eye a week or two ago. It's probably the most hilarious billboard I’ve ever seen. I mean, where do I even begin? I guess I’ll start by saying I’m not trying to belittle those who suffer from the leakage known as Urinary Incontinence. I’m sure it’s a major inconvenience and if there’s something that can help that, I’m all for it. I just think there’s gotta be a better way to reach that audience. This billboard is located off the 110 Freeway in Torrance, CA (just off the Sepulveda Blvd exit for you local folks). But wouldn’t an advertisement like this be better suited at a comedy club or in the ads that they show at movie theatres before a funny movie? You know, places where these women will be laughing and “leaking urine.” Or places they sneeze like…..umm….pepper factories? Or what about putting this ad on water bottles? I mean, that water is quite literally going to turn into their leaks. Might as well get ‘em at the source! And, according to the billboard, this is something that happens to 1 in 3 women. But what percentage of men do you think this happens to? I know this is like a weekly occurrence for me personally, but I sure as hell don’t want to call this number if they’re clearly biased towards helping leaking women over leaking men. And is it just me, or does it seem like they could’ve come up with a MUCH better graphic than a leaking faucet?! Ok, so I know they can’t show an actual woman leaking, but really now, they might as well have like a fire hose or a waterfall or something lame like that. I actually think it would’ve been great if they had a before and after picture where there’s a woman laughing hysterically in the before and a woman looking reserved and embarrassed in the next one. Seriously, how many women would that hit home with?! (1 in 3?) It’d be like looking in a mirror for them! Or maybe it wouldn’t, who knows? Really, this billboard speaks for itself and I could’ve just posted it without the write up. But then you never would’ve known that I regularly pee my pants.

The Cure Guy

So I get funny/crazy/random/stupid/embarassing/sexy/bogus calls on the request line on a regular basis. And usually they're from casual callers who don't even realize they're being the previously mentioned traits. But over the past 13-14 months that I've been answering phones for KROQ I've come to get to know a number of frequent callers. These are people who call on a semi-regular basis whom I have been able to learn a thing or two about. I thought it might be fun to share some of these people with you. So as I become motivated to write I will share my favorite frequent callers on this blog, and I'll start today with:

The Cure Guy aka The Bjork/Siouxsie and the Banshees/Dead Kennedys Guy

The Cure Guy is probably the most frequent caller of all the frequent callers. I wouldn’t say he calls everyday but, while he goes on hiatus from time to time, it is rare that a week goes by without hearing from him multiple times. You may be wondering why we refer to him as The Cure Guy. Well let me give you a run down of a typical conversation with him:

Me: Hello KROQ…
The Cure Guy: Hi.
Me: What’s going on man?
The Cure Guy: Do you have any news on The Cure?
Me: No, not a whole lot. Have you heard anything about them recently?
The Cure Guy: No.
Me: Yeah, well if anything happens with them you’ll definitely hear it from us.
The Cure Guy: Ok thanks. *click*

I couldn’t count how many times I’ve had that EXACT conversation with him. Now some answers vary from time to time. For example, when The Cure played Almost Acoustic Christmas (KROQ’s annual Christmas show) I did indeed have an update for him and I told him. But generally I will quickly Google or Wikipedia The Cure and tell him the most recent update on them. But regardless of what is said in the middle of our conversation, every single one begins with him saying “Hi” (this “Hi” is so distinguishable, as his voice is incredibly monotone, that we instantly know it’s him) and ends with him saying “Ok thanks” in a rushed voice, hanging up as fast as he can. I seriously get a visual of him saying “Ok thanks” and immediately throwing his phone to the floor as if it were hot or on fire or something like that.

Now every now and then The Cure Guy throws us for a loop and asks us about another group/artist. For me personally, Siouxsie and the Banshees is probably the band he asks about the second most, but some of the other phone-ops may have a different answer. He also commonly asks about Bjork and The Dead Kennedys. But it’s generally an 80s band. He REALLY threw me for a loop one time when he asked about Blink 182. That’s nowhere NEAR his typical genre. I asked him what his favorite Blink 182 album was and he said, “The one with Adam’s Song”. But wasn’t that every one’s favorite Blink album?

The Cure Guy is the most mysterious caller of all. He clearly has some sort of mental disability, or at least is just SEVERELY socially awkward. If he is not provoked into conversation, he simply sticks to his questions about The Cure. And while I enjoy the mystery, I have asked him a few questions about himself and have found he’s kind of pleasant to talk to. He always calls from a 210 area code, which a simple Google search reveals is the San Antonio, TX area. So I asked him if that’s where he calls from and sure enough it is. I asked how he knows about KROQ and he said he used to live in LA. It’s difficult to get details out of him, so I don’t know when or why he lived in LA. But I have asked him if he has plans to move back (because he says San Antonio is too hot) and he said no because he doesn’t like LA very much. I don’t remember exactly how it came up, but he one time referenced that he was going to school in Texas. I think he mentioned school because he told me was too lazy to go to class that morning and slept in instead. Turns out he goes to culinary school in San Antonio. I asked him what he likes to cook and he said, “I don’t know.” But he says he enjoys it and I told him he should cook us something and send it over to us. I’m not so sure how that would work out but he said he would.

The Cure Guy rarely shows any emotion, but that changed the time I told him that I met Robert Smith (The Cure’s lead singer). I got to help Kat Corbett (one of KROQ’s DJ’s, and a super fox) record a private interview with him in their dressing room backstage at Almost Acoustic Christmas. When I told this story to The Cure Guy, I heard more excitement in his voice than ever before. He let out a legitimately shocked “Really?!”. And as I told him the story, he actually had follow up questions and remarks like, “What was he like?”, “Who else was there?” and “That’s awesome!”. I couldn’t believe it. I was almost more excited to be getting this out of him than I was when I was sitting 5 feet away from Robert Smith. I felt rather accomplished after that conversation and I’ve noticed that he has been recognizing my voice ever since then. I actually asked him the other day if he recognizes my voice when he calls or if he just thought he was talking to different people every time and he told me he did recognize me. So I asked if he wanted to know my name or if he liked not knowing who I was and he said “sure”. I wasn’t sure which question the “sure” was answering, so I just told him my name (well, I told him my KROQ name at least, Gouda). He hasn’t called me by name once though, but I can still tell that he recognizes my voice by the way he talks to me. I honestly think he kind of likes when I answer and actually engage him in conversation because I doubt he is often engaged in conversation with people.

If I had one wish for The Cure Guy it would be that he gets to meet The Cure and have casual sexual intercourse with them. Dreams can come true.


***EDIT***
Today (2/13/09) I had what was undoubtedly the best conversation I've ever had with The Cure Guy, and it goes as follows:

Me: KROQ…

The Cure Guy: Hi.

Me: Whats going on today?

The Cure Guy: Nothin. So, Blink 182 are getting back together?

Me: Yeah, did you see them make that annoucnement on the Grammys?

The Cure Guy: No, I didn't watch the Grammy's.

Me: Oh, so how did you hear about it?

The Cure Guy: I called you guys. You told me.

Me: Haha, oh that's right! Sorry, I forgot I already told you about that.

The Cure Guy: Yeah. So are they putting out a new album?

Me: Yeah, their website says they're recording.

The Cure Guy: Cool.

(Tyler (fellow phone-op) in the background): Ask him to tell you a joke.

Me: Hey my friend wants to hear a joke, do you know any good ones?

The Cure Guy: Yeah. How long is a Chinaman?

Me: How long is a Chinaman…hmm….how long?

The Cure Guy: No, that's his name. How-long.

Me: (laughing hysterically not only because the joke was kind of funny but because I did not expect anything even remotely funny to come out of his mouth (though I wouldn't say I endorse the term 'Chinaman')) Wow, that’s actually really funny.

The Cure Guy: Yeah. Ok talk to you later.

The Notorious G.A.Y.

So last Friday my best friend Danny and I see Slumdog Millionaire (loved it) and decide to grab a bite at the delicious pizza place located in the same plaza as the theatre. There was only one table available and it was right by the door where crowds form, so we opt to sit at the bar. Just so happens that the waitress serving those of us at the bar is extremely attractive. Some might even say she's hot. Would I say this? Yes. Yes I would. As a surprise to me, her and I exchange unusually large smiles with one another upon initial eye contact. I don't think too much into it, but as the night continues, the occurrence of eye contact between us increases, and each instance is shared with what appear to be flirtatious smiles. Now I'm starting to get a little caught off guard because women never do this kind of thing to me. Then we start engaging one another in conversation. Every time she comes back to us, we exchange more than the typical, "How is everything? – It's great, thank you" conversation. We talk about movies we've seen, what schools we went to, where we're from, etc. etc. Nothing too out there, but these conversations coupled with the smiles that seem to show some sort of interest on her part are enough to make me think this girl might actually be flirting with me. So whereas I normally continue to be the nice, quiet guy as opposed to an aggressor in these situations, I choose to act different this time. I knew if I didn't try to get something going with this girl that I would leave the restaurant disappointed because I didn't do more. So near the end of the meal we're talking about movies and I ask her what movie she wants to see next. She says Notorious. I was quite literally just telling Danny that I'd like to see that movie, so I tell her this. Now, I'm not an expert on reading openings, but I was pretty sure she was giving me one when she said, "Yeah, I really want to see that…." in a tone that seemed to very much be expectant of a reply. So I decide to take it as an opening and I ask her if she wants to see it with me. (As a side note, Danny is in the restroom during this particular conversation, so he didn't witness the game that is me to its full extent.) She sounds interested, but says she's not able to go that night because she works. I ask if I should give her a call so we can find a time and she asks me to leave my number instead. So that may have been a sign right there of a lack of interest.

Long story short, it's been about a week now and she hasn't called, and I no longer expect her to call. This obviously leads me to believe that there was no real interest on her part to begin with. So now a few thoughts are running through my head. Was this girl just extremely nice and enjoyed striking up conversation with customers of a similar age? Perhaps she was just after a good tip. (She was gonna get more than just the tip from me! (Ok, I never make innuendos like that, but how could I pass that one up?!)) Maybe these were the case, but after reliving the dinner in my head, I've come to the only logical conclusion: She definitely thought I was gay. Now I'm not trying to flatter myself by coming to this conclusion thinking that it couldn't possibly be because she didn't think I was attractive or fun. Believe you me, I know how goofy and unappealing I look to women, and I do believe this contributed to her decision not to call me. But I'm realizing in hindsight that she was VERY comfortable with the two of us from the moment we walked in. Why? Because she thought we were a gay couple, and as two gay men, she had no reason to feel threatened or concerned that one of us would hit on her. In case you don't know, Danny is openly gay, and while he's not the most flamboyant homosexual on the planet, I think most people can determine his sexuality after only spending a brief amount of time with him. (Though I'll be the first to admit that I often act more gay (gayer? homosexualer?) than Danny. I just don't have sex with men.) So the fact that I was there with a gay man might have led her to believe that I too was gay and we were there as a couple, on a date. (For the record, it WAS a man-date, but not a gay date. Gay date's with Danny are for Saturday night's only, this was a Friday). Also, as I look back to the exact moment when I told her that I'd be down to go see Notorious with her if she was interested I realize that her response was, "Really??" followed by a slight hesitation before she said, "Ok…but not tonight, I have to work." Now this "Really?" while at the time I thought was out of surprise and joy that I took the opening and asked her out, I now realize was her complete shock that either a.) she was being asked out by a gay man or b.) I was in fact, not gay after all, as she had originally thought. It also probably didn't help that I told her I cried at the end of Slumdog Millionare. I didn't even cry though, so I don't know why I told her this. But regardless, I guarantee she thought I was gay and I am beyond hopeful that she will still call me out of pure curiosity. And if she does, you better believe I'm gonna ask her if she thought I was gay. And oh how I hope she says yes. And if she doesn't call, looks like it's another night in Danny's bed for me.

The Knees is Moist

I spent a good portion of one Saturday at work speaking with a woman who I learned quite a bit about, mainly because she felt the need to tell me quite a bit about herself during the numerous times she called me throughout my shift. Here’s what I learned about her: She’s a 35 year-old who just retired from being some sort of an analyst for Nestle. She’s apparently into the stock market because she gave me A LOT of advice on what stocks to buy if I want to be rich. She’s in the process of divorcing her husband of ten years because “there’s no communication and no sex”. (On a side note, when I told her I was 24 she told me I’m just past my sexual peak (which I thanked her for pointing out) and she noted she was at her peak. So the no sex in her marriage was a big deal.) She lives alone with her wiener dog and she really loves U2, as the main reason she called in the first place was to try to win the trip to London to see U2 that we were giving away that day. Now for the things she didn’t tell me but I figured out pretty fast. Well, really there’s only one thing and umm…..how to put this delicately?? She crazy. You can tell right from the beginning of the conversation the crazies from the non’s and while I don’t mean to be insensitive to those with mental problems, this woman probably had every one in the book.

I learned most of these things about her during our first conversation and as the conversation went on I realized I didn’t know her name. Here’s the answer I got when I asked her name:

Caller: Ok, here’s what I tell the guys at the bars when I tell them my name. I look at them and I point to my eyes and I say “It’s not the eyes..” and then I point to my lips and say, “it’s not the lips…” and then I’m usually wearing a low cut blouse…

Me: Of course, of course…

Caller: ..and I grab my tits and say, “it’s not the tits…” and then I point to my knees and say, “It’s the knees!”

Me: (silence)

Caller: So do you know my name?

Me: Umm..hmm…the knees….is it Denise?

Caller: Yeah!!! But you can call me The Knees.

So I called her The Knees from then on out. She kept calling asking for U2 tickets. She also kept asking to speak to my supervisor so she could tell them to give me a promotion. She even made up a title for my new position: Promotions Research Manager. No idea what that job would entail, but I was flattered nonetheless. So appropriately enough, my last call of the day was from The Knees. We had had some pretty average conversation throughout the day, but this one just took it to a whole new level. Here it is:

The Knees: I need U2 tickets!

Me: Well you gotta be caller 20 when we tell you to call then!

Me: Ok, ok, I know you can't just give them to me, but can I talk to your supervisor and see if they can give them to me?

Me: No, it's Saturday, there's only like two of us in the building. None of my bosses are here.

The Knees: Oh so that means you're in charge! So c'mon, do me a favor and give me the tickets and I can do you a favor or two if you know what I'm saying.

Me: Oh my! I do believe I know what you’re saying.

The Knees: Where do you live?

Me: I live near Long Beach.

The Knees: Ok, that's not too far for me to drive. So here's what we'll do: we'll choose a place to meet each other, and then we'll make sure you have your paper work and we'll get down to it.

Me: Wait, what paperwork? What do you mean?

The Knees: You know, we'll go down to Planned Parenthood and you'll get tested and I'll get tested. And then you know, if you're not cute or if you think I'm not cute then we don't have to do anything, we can just be friends.

Me: I like your thinking, that’s very smart of you….getting tested and all. You’re very open-minded and you seem to think things through.

The Knees: Yeah, a lot of friends tell me that I’m open-mouthed. (Yes, open mouthed. Not open-minded like I had just said.) And some people don’t like me because of it. But you get me. You're a good getter.

Me: Wow, I don’t think anyone’s ever called me a “good-getter” before, that’s quite the compliment, thank you.

Then she gets into a rant about some 80-20 rule where 80% of people get her and 20% don't. Then she opts to segue right into a new subject.

The Knees: Hey what do you want to eat right now?

Me: Oh I'm not hungry, I just had TWO peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

The Knees: (she takes a bite of something)

Me: Sounds like you got yourself a little something there….

The Knees: Oh, well I just made myself an English muffin with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the butter is moist. So it’s moist here by my mouth and it’s also moist down there.

Me: Oh wow. Well that sounds very inviting, must be fun for you.

The Knees: Yeah. Well ok, try to do some pull for me down there at the station and then we can pull on each other later.

Me: Well put, very well put.

The Knees: Ok, talk to you later.

Me: By The Knees.

This is kind of what I imagine The Knees looks like. Should I take her up on her offer?

Buckle up Yogi!

I'm driving home from work after a long Saturday. I'm tired and I'm already pissed that I have to waste every Saturday at work. I'm just ready to get home and I'm stopped at the light around the corner from my house. I look to my left and this is what I see. The picture is not the best quality since it was taken on my camera phone, but in case you can't tell, it's a giant stuffed bear sitting in the passenger seat all buckled in. I instantly started laughing, this bear has just made my day. The driver was a late 20-something year old woman (I wasn't able to discover this until I drove away because the bear's giant head was blocking my view of her). But I wonder if she buckles him in to use the carpool lane. I mean, staring at the thing, you can obviously tell it's a giant stuffed bear as opposed to a human being. But at a glance...ehh, it might pass for a human. I wonder if she could legally use the carpool lane if it was a real life bear?