2010: The Year of the Mustache....and ChatRoulette...and Weenies

Well it's December 26th and I'm leaving for El Paso tomorrow to spend a week there. Which means I'll be there as the new year turns. So I wanted to do some sort of post to wrap this year up. And this is my last chance to do that seeing as I don't know what my internet access will be like in El Paso. (Also I really wanted do put up this post while it was still 2010 so that my total amount of blogs on the year would be 30; one more than last year! YEAH!)

Top 10 countdowns seem to be a pretty popular way to wrap things up. But I don't really have anything good to countdown. So instead, I'll just leave you with my 10 favorite keyword searches from this year! Keyword searches are the actual words that people searched in Google or Yahoo or Bing that led them to my blog. And I'll be honest, I think these 10 keyword searches sum up both the blog and myself pretty damn well. So please enjoy and Happy 2011 folkitos!

My Ten Favorite Keyword Searches That Led To This Blog and Also Led To This Long Titled List

-guys weenies

-did tom selleck use moustache wax?

-when i say holla you say ween

-chatroulette girls

-squirt orgasm

-gouda kroq

-i want a picture of a party weenie

-freak & easy moustache

-is kat corbett a lesbian?

-weenies in diapies

Pretty accurate, huh? And as a challenge for 2011, feel free to browse this blog and see if you can come up with some awesome keywords to search that might yield my blog. I'll be sure to periodically mention good ones throughout the year. So go get 'em!

I Think I Just Made The Naughty List

Well we're 4 days away from Christmas, I guess that means I still have enough time to share some Christmas songs with you fools! I had a nice little recording session in front of a Christmas tree today. I don't know who's Christmas tree it was... I just found a house with a tree and went for it. Just like Santa does!! So please don't let my breaking and entering adventure from today go to waste. Enjoy!

"The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?"

"Dear Santa"

"I Won't Wish You Merry Christmas This Year"

Shameless plug to like my Facebook page here. Shameless plug to like me in general...no I won't put you through that.

Remembering Thanksgiving 2010

I was asked to write an essay telling what I did on Thanksgiving this year. Instead I made this video:

This year, I'm thankful for my family. My weird, gross-ass family.

I'm as 'Stacheless as the Day I Was Born

Well this might be old news now, but I shaved off the mustache about two weeks ago. And I didn't think I'd post anything about it, but I received some amazingly kind words on the 'stache from my good friend Greg the other day that I felt made the event worthy of a post. Here are his words:

"...congratulations for enduring such a fine mustache for so long! As a male capable of growing a mustache but clearly too lazy and undetermined to pull off such a feat, I saw your magnificent lip plumage as a glimmering symbol of hope for us all in an otherwise bleak and stacheless world. And though it's sad to see it go, all good things of course must come to an end at some time."

He went on to share that today (Nov. 18th) is "Have Sex With A Guy With A Mustache Day". I'm always so great with timing. Though I have no doubt that even with my powerful mustache, no woman (or man, for that matter) would have celebrated this day with me.

It's pretty funny, in my everyday life, hardly anyone has said anything about the missing 'stache. Most people just kind of do a double take, but don't actually say anything. My own mother didn't even notice in person...she discovered via Facebook. But man, my Facebook friends TORE ME A NEW ONE! They were quite unpleased.

I leave you now with the video documenting my fallen 'stache. Enjoy. I miss it already.

Kev(in) Siting's

I feel like it's a little vain to post a bunch of pictures of myself, but that's what this particular blog will be. Consider yourself warned... that I am very vain. I've gathered quite the collection of these similarly themed pictures. I call them "Kevin Siting's". Though, they're not all full "Kevin's". I guess I'll change it to "Kev(in) Sitings". Check these out! And if you find "Kev(in) Siting's" of your own, please email them to kjschatz@gmail.com.

Denver, CO - July 2007

Huntington Beach, CA - September 2009

LA Marathon - Santa Monica, CA - March 21, 2010

Sunken City - San Pedro, CA - August, 2010

Television - Lomita, CA - September 2010

When I Say "Holla", You Say "Ween"!

Check it out, that's me dressed up as Waldo! And I'm playing a guitar! So why would I be showing you a musically themed picture of me from Halloween?? Oh I know...

I've officially released my completed Halloween EP!!

Six songs, all recorded with the help of my dear friend Ryo of She's Electric. Please check his stuff out, he's an amazing musician, composer, producer and human being. This EP would've been a wreck without him.

So these are songs that I've written over the past four years. Subject matter ranges from trick-or-treating to mutilated pumpkins and Halloween parties to a cross dressing Frankenstein. You're sold now, aren't you?

As silly as these songs are, I actually put quite a bit of work into them. Some I wrote in a matter of minutes and some I worked tirelessly at to get just right. And the time Ryo spent in his studio (apartment) tweaking every last detail of these songs is immeasurable. Unless he logged the time he spent working on them in which case, it is measurable.

So with that said, please enjoy my Halloween EP. Feel free to listen here, but also, click the link to go to my actual page (or just click HERE) and download the whole thing by clicking on "Free Download" to listen at your convenience. It's FREE. And it'll make me feel really special to see that people downloaded it. You know, as opposed to the "special" that I normally feel.

Oh and you can keep up to date on all my musical endeavors by liking my Gouda Wooda Facebook page. Just click that!

Oktoberfest 2010!

So sort of like I did in my road trip blog, I've compiled a series of videos from my trip to OKTOBERFEST this past weekend. The Alpine Village in Torrance, CA hosts Oktoberfest during every weekend of October, so my siblings, cousins and friends all rendezvoused there to do some drinkin'! And now you get to watch us do that!

We'll start with this one titled "Oktoberfest 2010: Robert's Twin". We found a guy who looked JUST LIKE my brother Robert. It was mind blowing. Even if you don't know Robert, you have to check it out:

While trying to find seats in the packed house, my amazing friend Irene made conversation with this SUPER cool 80-something year old couple. If you ever needed motivation on staying young at heart, here it is.

(SIDENOTE: For some reason my blog won't let me upload these last two videos on widescreen like it did the previous one. You notice the size difference, I'm sure. So I'd suggest watching them in full screen because there are a few scenes where I type out captions that get cut off. Plus you get to see a really big version of my mustache in full screen.)

And lastly, this is just sort of a generic smattering of fun times had by my group. I could've started with this one, but the night sort of gets summed up at the end, so I thought it better to end with. But really, I don't owe you an explanation:

What Happens When You're Bored And 19

Back when I was young and youthful (and not repetitive), I used to do fun things. My best buddy Danny and I lived together during our Freshman year of college at the University of La Verne. And my sister Erica (who had graduated from that same school one year earlier) lived in an apartment a block away from campus. So we spent a lot of time at her apartment that year.

Well, over winter break when my genius brother Robert was home from Cornell, the three of us were bored and decided we'd hang out with Erica. We gave her a call on both her cell and apartment phones. No answer at either. Big mistake Ericamos. So to pass our time and to get revenge on Erica for not being home, the three of us decided to TP her apartment. And here's how it went down:

We discovered pretty quickly that it would be difficult to TP an apartment without toilet paper. So we decided to kill two birds with one stone by grabbing some burgers from In N' Out and stealing some of the massive amounts of TP from their bathroom. Robert was the brave one to go in and stuff the TP in his jacket. You're a good man Robert.

We also quickly realized that Erica's apartment would be difficult to TP without having a key to the apartment. So we found a slightly open window and made it more than slightly open to climb through. Look, there's me going in the window. I'd be a good robber.

So we loaded up our weapons. Danny was partial to the toilet seat covers. He's always thinking outside of the box.

I just decided to keep it old fashion.

And this is what her living room looked like when we got done with it.

That was all fun and good, but we had some finishing touches to add.

A nice little toilet paper roll on her pillow.

Erica's favorite stuffed bear, Radar. He was fine, don't worry.

I'll give you one guess who did this one. And consider yourself lucky that I'm not showing you the pictures of the used toilet paper that we decorated her kitchen with.

And of course we had to leave a note explaining our actions.

So there it is! Our night of boredom in La Verne in early 2004. What a fun time. And to end the post, I'll show you one quick picture of what the three of us did the next time we got bored and Erica wasn't home. In hindsight, this one was pretty messed up. We stuck this on her apartment door:

Just be glad you're not seeing the unblurred version. It was way grosser in person. *Shudders*

For Listening

50th Blog!

Well folkitos, my blog officially turns a half century with this post. This is the 50th time I've clicked that "New Post" button and poured my heart and soul out to you guys. Though it's more like I've poured my poop and urine out to you guys. Potty humor. Gosh. Sometimes I think about throwing in a serious blog every now and then. But I don't want to scare anyone off. Maybe I'll subtly slip in some serious stuff here and there so you won't even notice it. It'll be a sneak attack!

So let's see, my first blog was written on Januray 24th of 2009. A little more than a year and a half ago. Quite a bit has changed since then. My appearance for one. This was taken about a week after my first post:

Terrifying I know.

And this is what I look like as of one week ago:

The creepiness has certainly remained over the past year and half, that's for sure. It's just been a nice progression of creepiness. Life is all about growth and change. You can't stay one kind of creepy your whole life and expect to get any fulfillment out of it. I'm glad I've been able to grow.

So what else has changed over the past 50 blogs? Here, I made a list of things that were going on then that aren't going on now:

-I worked for KROQ and Loveline.

-I had a MySpace.

-The closest thing I had to a mustache was when I went on a fruit punch bender.

-I had luscious curls.

-I had never heard of ChatRoulette.

-I wasn't an honorary Furry.

-Twitter didn't exist and I was happier for it.

-I hadn't made a single video from random outings.

-I was single... oh wait... that one hasn't changed.

That list was kind of lame. Much like this entire blog.

In all seriousness, I have grown a lot since that first blog. I feel like I live a better life. Try to make the best of each day. Try to make sure I feel fulfilled as I lie in bed each night. A lot of recent events have led me to that, but it really has been a nice healthy growth over the past year and a half. I'm happy. Periods of being bummed interspersed here and there, but that's usually a prerequisite to growth and discovery. Life is good.

Wait, what just happened? I blacked out for a second.

So here's to 50 more, I suppose. Let me know what you fools have liked and not liked in this here blog. I won't take any of it into account.

Video-Palooza! Nor Cal Style!

So I took myself a little trip this weekend up to the San Francisco Bay Area. My very good, dear, sweet, loving, amazing, sexy, beautiful, kind, cheerful, usually intelligent friends Danny and Irene drove themselves up and I flew up a day later because of work. We all rendezvoused in the city and had ourselves one heck of a good time! *Said in nasally dork voice* Well I took my little hand held camera that was kind enough to take video for me on this weekend. And when it was all said and done, I complied 1 hour 11 minutes and 17 seconds of video footage. So I've spent the last 3 days uploading and compiling that footage into what you're about to see.

I could've made one loooooong video of the whole trip, but instead I broke it up into three parts. They're all pretty bad. And I know it's hard to watch long videos sometimes, but just think of it as a TV show with your commercial breaks built into it. Only you don't actually have to watch the commercials! Instead you can get up and eat some girl scout cookies or something like that. Anywho, enough rambling, enjoy!

First video is our respective journeys to the Bay Area. Find out if we ever met up in the city! (SPOILER ALERT: We don't. Also, look out for special appearances by our friends Aaron and Greg!)

Next is our day in San Francisco! The five people in the previous video are also featured in this one along with Aaron's roommate Stephan. Watch and then vote for your favorite cast member by texting the name of your favorite to 74213. (Please don't actually do that, I don't know where that text will end up.)

And finally, Greg took Danny, Irene and myself to the prettiest beach I've ever seen in California. It was in Santa Cruz and while this one is the longest video, I think it's the most compelling. I also could be lying.

All these videos can be found on my YouTube page www.youtube.com/kevindoesstuff. Please write nasty things about me there.

KROQ & Loveline Farewell

Well my friends, I no longer work for KROQ or Loveline. I started my new job last week and finished up with KROQ last Saturday and Loveline last Thursday. Sad to leave both. But at least I'll never have to hear a guy ask how he can make his girlfriend squirt or hear girls ask me why they can't orgasm from sex. (By the way, guys: girls pretty much either can or cannot squirt. It's nothing you're doing. It's just their biology. So if they're not doing it, chances are you can't make them squirt. And if they are squirting, pump yourselves up all you want, but it's really just them. And girls: the majority of you can't orgasm from penetration. It's gonna take some other kind of stimulation. Masturbation is a good idea, get to know your body. And if you've got someone who rocks your world orally, ride that all you can 'cause that's how you gonna finish! - Ok, knowledge dropping done.)

You know it's a bad sign when what's in parenthesis is longer than what's not.

So on my last days at KROQ and Loveline, the respective hosts on air at these times were kind enough to bring me on the mic to bid a farewell of sorts. And I've got the audio for you right here!

This first one was my farewell on KROQ with midday DJ (and my good friend) Kat Corbett. I went ahead and threw in some pics of some KROQ memories. I think they're all from KROQ shows (Weenie Roast and Acoustic Christmas). Look, here it is!

Then came my Loveline farewell. Hosts Psycho Mike Catherwood and Dr. Drew Pinsky brought me on the mic. Which is never a good idea. But they said some very kind things about me. And I'm pretty sure I offered Dr. Drew a mustache ride. Once again, I threw some Loveline pics over the audio. So watch it and hate it.

One last little Loveline memento... Loveline web guy Tyler was nice enough to post this picture from my last night on the Loveline Facebook page.

It got a decent amount of comments on it, which were fun and kinda surreal to read. Weird seeing people who really have no idea who you are talk about you. But I pulled some of my favorite comments:

• "that's a hell of a porn stache"
• "He sounded a lot younger than he looks."
• "I like his mustache :{ :)"
• "It looks like gouda wants to taste mikes seed one last time."
• "God, Mike was right. Gouda does look like a creep camp counselor."

Little did that guy know, I was a creep camp counselor with that 'stache.

So my time is done and sure, I've been a bit sentimental. But I now work for Westwood One, in the exact same building that I worked at Loveline. AND that building is like 6 blocks down the street from KROQ. AAAANNND, I'm working for the Kevin & Bean show (KROQ's morning show, which is nationally syndicated...I'm the guy who sends it out to all the other markets.) So this is about the least I could leave while still actually leaving. So I don't feel like I went too far from anything.

So all this said, thanks for reading and I'll update you as soon as I get fired from the new job!

I'm Ballin' Like Tom Selleck

Holy crap, did I really just take a whole month off from blogging?! DAMN! I should've hopped on the momentum of the furry blog and been blogging everyday, but instead I took a month off. Good job Kevin, real smooth. Well the good thing about taking a month off is it brings me to the realization that my mustache is one month old today. What a milestone!

As mentioned briefly in my Furry blog, I grew out a real life mustache for the first time in my life for KROQ's annual summer show, the Weenie Roast. The plan was to keep it for the day and shave it the next. Well, the feedback received on said 'stache was overwhelmingly positive and even though I went home and tried to shave it, the razor wouldn't let me. It was like the 'stache had some kind of shield preventing the razor from cutting it. What a 'stache. But I gotta say, this month has been a tremendous one, and I really think the mustache is to thank.

Check out this bad boy of a song I wrote.

Ok I didn't really write that. The mustache did.

I'm not much of an attention whore, but I don't think a single day has passed where I haven't received at least one comment on the 'stache. And again, they're almost always positive. Though I'm not gonna act like everyone loves it. I went on ChatRoulette for the first time in months to give the mustache a try. I talked to some family in Brazil and they kept using the word "feo" to describe it. Occasionally they'd add the word "muy" in front of "feo".

Dr. Drew hates it with a passion. I walked into Loveline the other day and instead of saying hello, I got a "Nope... I don't like the 'stache. It reminds me of the 70s and I hated the 70s." In turn, Drew hates me. This was also the night that Loveline's web guy (and all around douchebag) Tyler pointed out that I looked like Luigi on parole. Then he posted THIS picture on the Loveline Facebook page. Click that THIS (or click THIS THIS) to see all the wonderful comments people left. But it's amazing how much the negative comments don't affect me. I think that mustache shield protects against negativity. Plus, the mustache is really it's own entity. It's got it's own personality and really is it's own being. And it's way pimp, it gets ladies like no one's business. Sadly, I still do not.

I've learned a lot about mustaches in the past month. I learned they call mustaches "Mo's" in New Zealand. "Mo" has an entirely different meaning here, in case any New Zealanders are reading this. But I'd have no problem if the Flight of the Conchords passed me in the street and said, "Look at that big old mo!"

I've also learned that pomade sucks as mustache wax. Had to buy the real thing on ebay. It works magically. Smells like carpet cleaner, but works magically.

And most importantly, I've learned that mustache rides are way more fun when you're the one with the mustache. Tickles a little less, but way more fun.

Furry Weenies

So the KROQ Weenie Roast 2010 was yesterday. In case you're not familiar with the Weenie Roast, it's KROQ's annual summer show and has been a fixture in So Cal for the past seventeen years, I think it is. This year featured Sublime w/ Rome, STP, Hole, Silversun Pickups, Devo and a bunch more. And while the show itself is all fun and good, for many of the KROQ employees, the after party is where the real fun occurs. This year was extra special because there was a FURRY convention at our same hotel! You can click "FURRY" above to read all about Furries, but for purposes of this story, all you need to know is that the hotel lobby was FILLED with people dressed in animal suits, or if they weren't in a full outfit, they were wearing ears and tails or collars and chains. And perhaps it's needless to say that they were all a bit socially awkward. Though SOCIALLY awkward may be the wrong term because these Furries were mingling with us and loving all the attention we were giving them. The Furry that I'm posing with above was going up to everyone asking for hugs, posing for pictures, picking people up and swinging them around. He was warm and sweaty to the touch. It was gross. I put my spare mustache on him for this picture so we could be twins. (Oh yes, I grew a mustache for Weenie Roast... that's a whole 'nother story.) So these Furries partied with us all night, but one of my favorite moments with them came after we got kicked out of the lobby and the party suite and all wound up down by the pool of the hotel.

There was a girl who was there for the Furry convention (Califur) who wasn't dressed in any Furry attire. But it was pretty obvious that this girl was a Furry for a number of reasons. She was a bit awkward and she was carrying around hula-hoops which she hula-hooped a little too well with. I chatted with her along with a group of KROQ people for a bit. When I introduced myself I said, "Hi, I'm Kevin.. or Gouda... you can choose." since people at KROQ know me as both. So after a quick conversation we all went our separate ways. But then a few minutes later she came up to me and we had this conversation:

Hula Furry: Oh hey, it's you again. I have to ask you something...

Me: Oh hi again.. yeah what's up?

Hula Furry: Well, I just see that you were hanging out with some Furries... and you have two names... and there's a raccoon on your shirt...

Me: Yeeeess....

Hula Furry: ...and I'm just trying to figure out if you're here with the KROQ people or the Furries.

SHE THOUGHT I WAS A FURRY!!! A real life Furry thought I was one of them!! I was slightly embarrassed for about a second but then I was beaming with pride. It was an honor that a furry was essentially welcoming me into her fraternity! Though that wasn't really the case because she seemed extremely disappointed when she found out I was with the KROQ crew. But I just love knowing that I was ambiguous enough to fit into either group. I bet the mustache didn't help the confusion either.

Man. Another successful Weenie Roast.

College Radio: I Wasn't Funny Then Either

As a broadcast major at a small college, I held a few prominent positions at my school's on campus radio station. One such position included being the production director for a semester or two. As production director, I was basically in charge of conceptualizing and producing all of the on-air promos for contests along with music promos, legal ID's, sweepers and a bunch of other on-air content. Well I recently came across a CD of all the stuff I did and it was pretty entertaining to listen back on. Not necessarily entertaining because they were good, but more because I remember thinking a lot of them were REALLY good, when in hindsight they were really mediocre. That happens when you work for one of the best radio station's in the nation... your standards change a bit. But I still thought it would be fun to share them on here. I made little videos out of them with some photos of me in the on-air and production studios at my station: KULV, The Rock You Listen To. So anywho, enjoy. Or don't.

KULV's Berry Good Spring Break Promo:

Six Flags Ride of Your Life Promo (starring my very good friend, Irene):

I was an intern for The Kevin and Bean Show during the first semester of my senior year. So during the second, I got in touch with them and asked if they'd record some personalized ID's for my radio show. They did some great ones. Here are just a few of them:

LOST Without The Internet

At this very moment, the season finale of LOST is airing live on ABC. Am I watching it? Of course I'm not. Why am I not watching it? Because I'm at work. LOST has aired on Tuesday night's this entire season and because ABC wanted to make an event out of the finale, it is airing on Sunday night instead. Why is this bad? Because my regular board-op shift at KROQ is on Sunday nights. I actually really like the idea of making an event out of the finale, but what I don't like about it is that I have to work during it. So the finale airs from 9pm-11:30pm. I work until 1am. If I haul it home, I can make it home in 30-35 minutes. So let's say by the time I get in and start the show on my Tivo, it's 1:40am. A 2 1/2 hour episode, minus the commercial breaks will maybe be, what, an hour 45 minutes. That gets me in bed at 3:25am. And what time will I have to get up for work tomorrow morning? 6:30am. 3 hours and 5 minutes of sleep. Ouch. And it's all for LOST. God damn you LOST, I love you so much.

Now I'm well aware that the content of this particular blog has not been too exciting. I'm sure you've all thoroughly enjoyed reading my thought process behind viewing a television show. But the main reason I'm here is because this blog is the ONLY safe place on the internet for me to go. Facebook will be full of LOST status updates. I'm too afraid to go onto Yahoo or Google for fear that any sort of LOST update will be in the news sections. I don't even want to check my email because I might see that someone wrote on my wall and I'll be too tempted to check it. So here I am killing time on my blog, waiting to get off work so I can go bid a tearful farewell to Jack, Kate, Desmond, Smokey, Ben, Miles, Hurley, Sawyer, Sayid, Jin, Sun, Claire, Baby Aaron, Whidmore, Dead Locke, Jacob, Jacob's Nameless Brother, Richard, Milpdeis (who I wanted to double check the spelling of but am too afraid to type his name in a Google search for fear a spoiler will come up), Vincent, Rose, Bernard, all the dead characters who I don't want to name because I've already bid my tearful farewell to them, Penny, Walt, all those people on Whidmore's team who I think are still on the island and everyone else who I left out and will later regret leaving out. And I'd like to thank you for understanding that I took the time to list all those characters just to keep myself from drifting on the internet. I've wasted your time, and I can't thank you enough for allowing me to do so. Happy LOST Day.

Big Woody

I saw this bomb ass looking bus the other day on my way to work. It was just cruisin' along in the carpool lane of the 405 North near Manhattan Beach. So I busted out my camera and snapped this picture. I'd actually advise against taking photographs while driving. I crashed right after taking this picture and my car blew up. Like, into a million pieces. Huge fire ball. I'm fine. It made the news, you probably heard about it. But the other guy was texting so he ended up getting the blame. Moral of that story? Don't text and drive.

Back to the bus, it's hard to read but along the top is this website: www.bigwoodytours.com. And the back has a cool little logo that says, "Big Woody." Which really threw me off because just a few days earlier on the opposite side of the freeway I saw what I thought was already called the Big Woody. Am I just totally mistaken or is this not the biggest woody you've ever seen?

Lame joke. Lame, lame joke.

Dang Bird, What Did You Eat?!

I mean, c'mon!! Seriously! How big of a bird must THAT have come from?? At least I wasn't anywhere nearby when it happened, like this poor kid. But I have a few suspects in mind. Like him. All eight-feet two-inches of him. Or this guy. Or I guess I shouldn't rule her out. She's done some serious damage in the past. Oh well, regardless, I'm gonna go find a birds nest and take a dump in it to get my revenge. Pictures to follow.

Straight From The Diaper To Your Computer!

I promised pictures from the Mud Run, didn't I? Don't remember that? Read this. But I bet no one was holding their breath for that. It's funny 'cause pretty much anyone who reads this blog is already friends with me on Facebook and there are a bunch of Mud Run pictures posted on there, so I feel it's a bit repetitive to post them here. But I'm just gonna go ahead and live in my little fantasy world where I imagine that tons of random internet perusers stop by my blog and read the insanely interesting stories that are my life. They just choose not to follow or comment on my blog. Anywho, the Mud Run was crazy fun! I was definitely excited beforehand but I had no idea I'd enjoy prancing around a bunch of mud pits as much as I did. I'd highly recommend participating in a mud run if you ever get the chance. So here's a few pics for you mo fo's!

The Muddy Runs, diapers and all! And those things held the mud like crazy! We're seriously looking into having Depends sponsor us next time.

My cousin Stevie and I stopped to pose for this pic mid-race. I call it "Muddy Cuzzie Wuzzies." God, and I wonder why I don't have a girlfriend.

I can't remember if this one was before or after the race. And by the way, that's not mud in my hand, that's poo.... from my diaper.

Idaho: Producing More Than Just Excellent Potatoes

So the lovely young ladies who were nice enough to let me put my arms around them in the picture to the right are Kelsey and Kat, both originally from the bizarrely shaped state of Idaho. Kelsey discovered this here blog a few weeks ago after hearing me talk about ChatRoulette on Loveline. I guess she thought it was cool that I spent so much time looking at penises on the internet. So I thanked her for following my blog and we then exchanged a few emails. I found out her and her sister (Kat) were coming down to LA for a few days, so I invited them into Loveline. And they came! So they took this sweet picture with me along with some WAY cooler pictures with hosts Psycho Mike & Dr. Drew as well as guests Seth Binzer and GEORGE FREAKING CLINTON while hanging out in the Loveline studios. Mike was especially impressed with me for bringing in such attractive young women. In fact you can hear him say this on air here:

But it was very cool to bring them in because they were fans of the show and were REALLY, REALLY cool human beings. And I was lucky enough to spend time with them outside of Loveline while they were in town as well. We beached it up, cruised the streets of LA, paid $4 to park at In 'n Out and tried to figure out how to spell gonorrhea. Fun times for sure. I'm quite fortunate to have found the two coolest girls to come out of Idaho and even fortunater to have spent some time with them this past week. (Yes I know 'fortunater' is not a word, but I sure used it didn't I?)

So the moral of this story? Tell me you like my blog and I'll bring you into Loveline, chauffeur you around LA and be your friend forever.

Diapers & Condoms: The Winning Combo!

So I'll be running in the Irvine Lake Mud Run this coming Saturday with my sister, cousins and a bunch of friends. If you're not familiar with the Mud Run, it's a 3.8 mile race at Irvine Lake in Orange County and the course basically is inundated with mud pits and obstacles throughout. Which sounds awesome! So our team signed up a few months ago and we've named ourselves The Muddy Runs.....it's funny 'cause it means diarrhea. So we, The Muddy Runs, decided that we want to come into this run with a fury and make ourselves known. And we figured what better way to do that than by running in diapers, just to really emphasize the whole diarrhea thing. So we're all wearing diapers and matching wife beaters decorated with our team name written in puffy paint (pictures to come after the run) and I'm WAY exctied, but before this all can happen, we had to get our hands on some diapers.

So my sister Erica and I went around town yesterday looking for diapers, which honestly is a whole 'nother story. We went to about 5 or 6 different stores before finally finding the perfect diaper at Target. They're adult sizes covering 28"-44" waists and most impotantly, they're adjustable! So we all should have no problem fitting into them. But I couldn't help but notice that the adult diapers were conveniently placed in the same aisle as the the tampons, Vagisil, feminine douches and sprays, KY jellys, lubes and condoms. - Condoms! At first, I thought maybe this made sense. I mean condoms are designed to prevent the leakage of a substance much in the same way diapers and tampons/pads are, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how out of place they were. Here we were in an aisle FILLED with items that are pretty much only bought by women (unless you're an awesome boyfriend who picks up lady-items for your lover) and there were the condoms; an item that's literally only worn by men. That would be like putting vibrators in the same aisle as ... well, condoms! And other male items. I mean, I get that women are an integral part of condom use (at least in heterosexual relationships) but I'd like to think that more men are purchasing condoms than women. So shouldn't the condoms be in like, the male razor aisle with all the after shave and guy deodarant and all that stuff? Why wouldn't they be there?! So now I'm questioning which gender purchases condoms more frequently. And have there been studies on this?? I'm sure there have, but what are the results? I mean, I'd give my own experiences with this, but seeing as sex is a prerequisite to condom buying, I have nothing to contribute. Oh God, now I'm depressed. I was in such a good mood too.

*EDIT*

I put together a little video of The Muddy Runs preparing their outfits for the Mud Run after originally posting this blog. Check it out here.

I Wanna Take You To The GAY BAR, GAY BAR, GAY BAR!

Having a gay best friend is awesome. I went to Mickey's in West Hollywood with Danny (the gay best friend) and my non-whore of a friend Yasmine last night. Lots of gay men, lots of gay music. In fact, we kept a tally on my arm of how many times Lady Gaga came on. As you can see in the pic, we only got to five before the alcohol got to be too much for us to remember. But I'm sure that number was probably double by the end of the night.

I like to think that I'm a rare breed of straight man who doesn't mind going to gay bars. I think they're pretty great. I mean, the obvious downside as a straight man is that 90% of the people there are men whom I have no sexual attraction to. But the awesome thing is that they have a sexual attraction to me and it can be quite the confidence booster to be hit on by them. That did not happen on this night, BUT, the other awesome thing about gay bars is that straight female friends often accompany these gay men. Fag Hags, Fruit Flies, or whatever other names you have for them. I just stick with "Straight Female Friends Who Often Accompany Gay Men." It's more catchy. So while I did not receive much attention from men on this night, I did have a run in with one of these Straight Female Friends Who Often Accompany Gay Men. I was good and sloshed by this point and found myself out on the dance floor shaking my groove thing with Danny and some of our other friends, when I suddenly notice a fairly attractive girl wearing a short blue dress dancing next to me. I ask Danny if he thinks she's straight, and that's all the lead Danny needed. He was determined to get me a dance. So he moves his way over to her and has this conversation over the pounding music:

Danny: Are you straight or gay?!?

Short Dress Hot Girl: Straight!!

Danny: My best friend is straight, and he LOOVES to dance!!

Me: *Gives thumbs up with dorky face*

Short Dress Hot Girl: *Smiles as she gets pushed over to me by Danny*

So there I am dancing with this girl. And by dancing I mean I'm standing still trying not to fall over from being too drunk while she's backing her thing up into me. (Do they still call it "backing their thing up"?) And this girl was doing some serious grinding on me! I felt moderately violated. So we "dance" for a few songs and she never turned around to face me. Which I guess was alright, but I don't really remember ever seeing her face. After the few songs, her gay friends kinda swooped in and danced her away from me. I think she looked over their way and gave them the sign to swoop in. Which sucked, it would've been nice to go home with a number from the gay bar. From a Straight Female Friend Who Often Accompanies Gay Men, that is. Could've added that one to my very short resume. But I didn't. When I told Danny that she left me, he got mad at her and kept yelling, "She doesn't know what she's missing!" Seriously, he must have shouted that like 12 times. Danny's a good friend.

ChatRoulette

The best thing about ChatRoulette is that it makes you feel like you have a life when really you don't have one at all. I mean, I know I've spent HOURS (like, consecutive hours) on ChatRoulette. And if you look at that situation from the outside, I'd sure look like a loser for sitting in front of a computer for that long. But I really don't think that social networking gets much better than ChatRoulette. It's an INSTANT connection to a real life human being from anywhere in the world. I mean, sure there are probably 14,636 penises waiting for you at any given moment, but there's a certain excitement that comes from not knowing what that "Next" button holds. Sure, it's most likely a penis waiting for you, but it could also be a very friendly person on the other side of that camera. I've had solid conversations with people in Chile, Turkey, Spain, Russia, England, Canada, Texas, Florida, Maryland, Delaware... and that was all just today! I've had really great conversations with extremely attractive women. That doesn't happen in my real life! So why wouldn't I go to a place where that can happen?? And I've also had great conversations with dudes who's penises actually stayed in their pants. I mean, mine came out, but that's beside the point.

So with all that said, I thought it would be fun to share some of the fun moments I was able to capture on ChatRoulette:

These two girls couldn't have been older than 14. Which made me feel a little creepy. But I was just making stupid jokes to them because my

sense of humor usually tends to be at about a 14 year old level. Then I sang them two of my songs (Rushed and Fat Mule) and they apparently fell in love with me. It's a little hard to see in this picture, but they gave me their phone number, asked me to marry them, requested I have their babies and even tattooed my name on their hands. All of which just made me feel like an old creep.

These girls also were sadly young. I swear I'm not fishing for young girls, they

just don't "Next" me because I'm usually the only guy they come across whose penis in his pants. Though when I say young for these girls, I mean like freshmen in college. But I sang a song or two for them as well and after I did they showed me how they were watching me. They had me projected up on a giant ass screen! It was like I was playing for a huge audience in a big old concert hall! Except it was only for like 5 people in a dorm study room. But still! I thought that was very cool, and they even took the time to pose for me to screenshot their cool setup. So thanks random college girls from Colorado (or where ever it was you were from)!

This chick from Arizona played and sang for me after I sang a song for her and her roommates. She sang A Sublime song. I think she did What

I Got. Or maybe Wrong Way. Honestly, I can't remember and I've been working at KROQ for so long that they all just kinda blend together now. But regardless, it was awesome and I was singing along with her. Sadly she kind of ended up being a bitch. I applauded her and told her how cool her performance was and all she could do was ask me if it gave me a boner. But not in a funny way. It was more of a "You're a creep for being on here and talking to college girls, I bet I gave you a boner, huh? That's all you wanted from us was a nice little erection, I know your ways." At least that what I assume the subtext was. Eh, maybe I was wrong.

And lastly, for those of you who don't know, I'm a phone screener for the nationally syndicated radio show Loveline with Dr. Drew, and last night I put on a caller who had a question about ChatRoulette. Due to the obscene amount of time I spend on the site, Drew came to me for my "expertise" on the subject. Listen here:

17

So let me set the scene. It's almost spring and we're having the first warm day we've had in LA in a while. So my best bud Danny invited me and our whore of a friend Yasmine out to the beach. (Yas isn't really a whore, but I thought that might be a fun way to introduce her to you all.) There we are at the beach soaking up the sunshine, when two girls grab a spot maybe 20-30 feet from us. One of these girls is fairly attractive and catches my eye. She looks a little like Mila Kunis. And her friend... well she's not quite as fortunate in the looks department. I try to refrain from mean comments, but Yas ended up dubbing her "The Grenade". That was mean Yas. So we're enjoying our beach day and so are these two girls, but I notice that Mila-look-a-like keeps glancing over my way. And the only reason I notice this is because I keep glancing over her way. We actually made eye contact several times and even smiled at each other a few times. Which NEVER happens to me. At one point, the two girls got up and took a walk. Perhaps to the restroom? Though I don't know why they wouldn't have just gone in the ocean for that, but that's beside the point. The three of us are pretty much ready to leave by that time, so my loving friends suggest I leave Mila-look-a-like a note with my number on it. Danny, Yas and I scramble to find something to write on, eventually coming up with one of Danny's old receipts (surprisingly not filled with condom and booze purchases) and an eye-liner pencil. I start writing the note and the girls walk back. Damn. So as we get ready to leave, Yas and Danny are encouraging me to just go up to her and hand her my number. I stall and make excuses, but after a few minutes finally grow a pair, write down my number and march right up to her. Here's the conversation that ensued:

Me: Hi, so I never do this, but I just think you're really pretty and my friends have been encouraging me to go talk to you, so I figured I'd say hi and pass on my number to you.

Mila-look-a-like: Oh wow, thanks... That's really sweet of you to say....

(Me smiling in anticipation)

Mile-look-a-like: ...but I'm 17.

Me: Ohhh.... well then....

The Grenade: I'm 18!!

Me: Oh so do you want this then? *holding up my number*

The Grenade: YEAH!

Me: Haha. (don't actually give Grenade number, turn to Mila-look-a-like) Yeah, so what're you doing after high school then?

Mila-look-a-like: I'm going to Cal State Fullerton.

Me: Oh nice. Well good luck with all that then.

Mila-look-a-like: Thanks. And thanks again for the nice compliment.

Me: Oh sure, and thanks for your honesty. I appreciate you not lying and turning me into some sort of creep.

Mila-look-a-like: Haha, oh you're so funny, maybe I'll take your number and call you in 3 months when I turn 18.

Me: OK!

Ok, so everything except those last two lines actually happened. After I made the creep comment, I just kind of slowly faded away, giving her the creep eye. Joined back up with my friends to give them all the pedophile-full (pedophul?) details. But seriously, how much does that suck?! I've always been too chicken to be the aggressor, and now I finally do and she's in freaking high school! You sure know how to pick 'em Kevin. Can't wait to see what my next run-in with a girl will hold! Stay tuned....

What can I say? I'm a literal guy.

I don’t know what it is with me, but I’m REALLY good at not getting women. I mean, I deserve some kind of award for the way I shield off women. I’d say I could write the book on it, but I really have no clue how I got so bad at unsuccessfully charming the opposite sex. I was just born this way! But I had an experience the other night that really got me thinking about how ridiculous it is.

I was partying at one of my best friends apartment and it was turning out to be a pretty fun party. There were 80-something jell-o shots floating around and tons of good beers being brought in. Drinks were a-flowing and little groups were beginning to form. I somehow found myself with two of my good friends from college (who are a couple) and their pretty female friend. So while my two friends were being all cuddly and what not, I spent my time talking to pretty female friend. Turns out she’s more than just pretty female friend. She’s funny female friend, witty female friend, good-taste in music, tv and beer female friend and really easy to talk to female friend. She took the time to show me the tattoos on her back, we laughed about our favorite It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia episodes, reminisced on our favorite concerts, shared our love for Blue Moon. I couldn’t believe how well our conversation was going. So when we were at what I would call the prime of our conversation, my bladder was slowly filling up. I can only assume with urine. There we were laughing and conversing with no problem, and all I was doing was curling up my toes praying the pee in bladder would somehow absorb into my body and I’d magically lose the urge to pee. So the great thing about our conversation is that we were just rolling from one thing right into the next. It was pretty natural. But the bad thing about that was there were no moments of silence for me to politely say, “excuse me while I tinkle”. (Yes I would have used those exact words). Eventually it got unbearable so I hopped in during a very brief silence and excused myself. I think she was kind of taken aback that I would just kind of kill the conversation like that. I figured we were getting along so well that we’d be ok. Well I think I was wrong. I peed as fast as I could, came back and the conversation just never picked back up. I totally killed the best conversation I had had with a girl in months. So we chatted a bit more, but nothing that felt as solid as before my visit to the restroom.

Well it didn’t take long before pretty, funny, witty, good taste in music, tv and beer female friend decided it was time to call it a night. Which was a bummer for me to hear. She got up and said her goodbyes. I got a nice hug and she started heading toward the door. A guy who had been sitting near us most of the night is watching me stand there and kind of shouts, “You’re not gonna walk her to her car?! Go get her number!” I said something dumb like, “Oh, do you think that’s a good idea? Ok, I think I will.” So I catch her right as she’s walking out the door and offer to walk her to her car. She says she’s not parked that far but I insisted and she allowed me to. She really wasn’t parked far at all. Our walk was maybe a minute and a half. We chatted a little more. I told her it was refreshing to meet someone that I could have actual conversation with. She genuinely agreed. Well, we got to her car and she literally got in the driver seat, said bye and drove away. Haha. I literally walked her to her car. No phone number; no “let’s get together again”; not even another hug goodbye. It was a LITERAL walk to a car. Well needless to say, I’m kicking myself now that I have no way of contacting her. I doubt I’ll see her again, and if I do, she’ll probably just see me as that guy who never pulled the trigger. It reminds me of the time that I went on a date of sorts with this girl and she invited me to hang out at her place after. We stayed up late watching a movie and she invited me to stay the night. Like, in her bed. That she also sleeps in. So I kind of assumed something was going to happen. That was a poor assumption on my part. We literally just slept that night. So I slept with her. But that’s it. And I told all my friends that I slept with her. But sadly that was the most honest thing I could have told them because that’s all that happened. Oh man, I’m lame.

"You Just Broke That Chair..."

Check out this song I wrote for a Valentine's Day Compilation release. Most of the songs are love songs. Mine isn't a love song. You'll discover that pretty quickly into the song. My good friend Ryo produced it. He's amazing, you can check out his stuff here. He also organized all the artists and is the mastermind behind the release. More great stuff to come from him. He's also been supportive and encouraging enough to offer to produce an EP for me, so keep your eyes peeled for that. This is more than I wanted to write. It's probably because I have a man-crush on Ryo. Enjoy "Fat Mule"!

Lame Joke Of The Day

I was at the bank today transferring all my money from one account to a new account that I opened. I then went to close out the old account and when I did I was told that I had $0.21 of interest that I had to claim. So I went up to the banker with my little slip for $0.21. After completing the transaction she hands me two dimes and a penny, smiles and says, "Is there anything else I can help you with today, Kevin?" to which I responded, "Only if you have 4 pennies lying around so I can buy a piece of gum." I regretted it instantly. But I did get a laugh out of her. I know that's only because I was a customer and they're paid to kiss my ass. But you know what? I'll take it!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to look in the couch cushions for $0.04.

A Ballsy Blog

Well this here blog turns one year old today. Who would've thought that my blog would outlive the Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien? Does this mean I'm in line to take over the Tonight Show when NBC realizes that no one likes Jay Leno? I think that's what it means.

We've seen a lot of different things take place on this blog during the past year. Failed attempts to capture the hearts of women, digestive adventures of blueberries, bizarre KROQ callers. What fun we've had. I'm trying to think of a good way to celebrate. Oh I know! Decorations!

Now I know there are a lot of uses for balls... but I had no idea they came in decorative form! So happy birthday blog! Decorative balls for everyone!

"I'm just glad this desk is here..."

I'm not the most mahco man on the planet. I'm not much of a flirt or player and I have very little game. But all that said, I still like women. And it turns out being flirted with by a major porn star is pretty awesome. Here's what happened when Tera Patrick came into Loveline earlier this week:


WARNING: (Some content may be inappropriate for younger/sensitive listeners. But it's not THAT bad.)

Things I'll Never Get: #1 Twitter

(This is the fifth and final entry of a countdown of the Top 5 Things I'll Never Get.)

TWITTER:

Ok Twitter, I don't like you and you don't like me. Let's just have it all out. At the risk of sounding old, I don't get why so many people swarm to you. Is it your astonshing good looks? Your amazing personality? Your hilariously witty jokes? Personally, I think it's all of the above. See, people have a chance to show off all of the aforementioned on Twitter, so why wouldn't they swarm to a site that allows them to talk about their favorite subject? Themselves! Now I guess I'm one to talk seeing as I'm typing on my own blog at this moment, but considering how self-depricating I tend to be, I think I'm excused from being classified as narcissistic. (That and I scored a 2 out of 40 on that narcissism test that most people score like 16 on. But enough about me.) But really, I assume people like the Twitter so much beacause it's an opportunity to share about themselves. I just think most people share the dumbest things that the majority of followers don't really care about. And I just don't get what possesses people to want to share the dumb crap that they share. Plus, I'll admit I'm a fan of Facebook (though my fan-dom of Facebook has been dwindling of late) and I never got why people who were on Facebook would ever even consider getting a Twitter account when they could update everyone via their Facebook status. Why would you need a second place to post updates?! Plus they can share pictures and info of themselves on Facebook. You can't do that on Twitter. Though I guess they now have TwitPic and TwitVid so atleast Twitter's evovling. I won't be surprised when various other "Twit's" start popping up. TwitBlog for blogging, TwitTunes for music, TwitPenis for......penises. Anywho, I'm old and don't get things that are cool and hip, is the lesson we've learned from this blog. And don't be surprised if TwitPenis.com/Gouda pops up ones of these days.